eleos

2012-01-27T23:21:00.002+08:00

These past few days after talking to loads of people and sitting and thinking about everything. I realise that, so what if I hanged on. Its not that I think he is not worth it, that's why I stop. But rather, if I really liked him as much as I claimed, then all I want is for him to be happy. And since I cant give him that kind of happiness then why do I want to pester him and make him upset?

I do still like him, but if its meant to be then its meant to be. Love cant be forced and planned, because thats just not the kind of love that I want. So I guess this is it. Thou we talked alot for the past 1 month, it was the happiest time for me. I loved waking up and seeing your messages and read them over and over again so that I could feel fuzzy and warm. And now, all I wanted was to wake up and see you sleeping next to me. I loved that night when you hugged me tightly to sleep as thou you were protecting me from the wind and cold. Loved it when I fit so perfectly in your arms and felt so safe that I could be sound asleep. I do miss you alot but maybe this is really for the best. I hope that we can still be friends and just hang out still although we never really did that before. But still. And I hope this summer you can bring your mum to singapore and that I can bring you around.

2012-01-17T23:39:00.001+08:00

I cant believe I screw this up again. What is wrong with me? I simply dont understand, how can I not trust someone who was so nice to me. Am I just stupid or what? I dont get it.

He told me he just wants to be friends, that he could not find the feelings that he had for me. Feeling that he could trust me and be with me. I dont understand what I did wrong. I dont. Thinking about it just makes me want to cry now. I wish bao bei was here. She would know what to do. I know she is just a dog but she never left me and now all I want is her.

I dont understand why Ray suddenly became like that, maybe I was not attractive enough or like I dont know. All i know is that i want him back. I dont want to lose him. so i'm going to wait. I know it's foolish and he may never like me back again but I believe if we are meant to be then something will happen. I believe that if I what I feel for him is real then one day he will know that he can trust me and that I'll be there for him. so now im going to take relationship off my mind and just be there for him. thats all. nothing else. even as a friend, i want to be there for him etc. i know it will be hard since i have so much feelings for him still, but i will try my best. cuz i know he is worth it. i just know it. i dont know why. but i do. and i know that if i try hard enough mircles do happen. they do.

2012-01-14T13:31:00.003+08:00

Friday the 13th

Today is our first night date and I enjoyed it really much. We met a little later due to the reservation timing. Reservation? Aww I feel so blessed to have someone like him, he is so sweet. After we met at the side gate of Uni, we had a very akward hug, fair enough I was really shy and I did not want to scare him off. Then we just took the train and went to Cardiff Bay. My first time to Cardiff Bay and I'm loving it. Cuz obviously, I went with him. haha. Biased. Anyways, we ended up at Cosmos, a chinese buffet. ARghhhh.. I felt like a pig cuz I had so much food. I felt like Godzilla for crying out loud but luckily he was alright about my food intake. haha. "Honey, thanks for dinner and hot cooca" you see, I'm not really good at these things, saying thank you and stuff, its not I take him for granted but its just, i dont know how to say it. I know it sounds really stupid. AFter that he brought me to get hot cocoa while he had the manly coffee and we just walked around the bay area and talked and had fun. After that we took the train back to cardiff and back to my place to take my stuff. You see, at that point in time all I wanted to do was to wrap myself in his arms but I was too shy to do it. I dont know why I was. I just didnt want to screw this up. Anyways, we went back to his and talked and watch the ninth gate by johnny depp. Okay, that was not my favourite film of him but yea.

He was so cute when he slept. Fair enough it was just a tiny bed and all, and occassionally I would wake up cuz of my tummy and my eye were giving me problems. I felt a little unwell then, but oh well. He was soo cute. He would just cover his eyes with his eyes and that poor baby must be really tired and stressed cuz he even frowned in his sleep. All I wanted to do was to cuddle him in my arms. The next morning we had breakfast before having a little cheeky kiss. I'm going to sound sooooo pervy but I'm not joking when i say he freaking turns me on. I dont know if its his scary muscles that gives me wild thoughts or the fact that i'm just so into him or fact that he just simply flipped the switch n managed to just turn me on with his kisses. But sadly I had to go home so he could do his work :( I cant wait to be with him again. to just be near to him, smell his lovely cologne and touch his scary muscles and just be in his arms and knowing that i'll be safe.

2011-12-27T21:58:00.001+08:00

I know it has been awhile since I have blogged, well good fact is that I'm in the UK now. woohoo. i've met loads of really nice people and just having an amazing time. I know I have chanced so much since I have been here, I never used to party and now I just love it. Fact that I can sing at the top of my lung and not feel stupid about it or that I can dance and move and jump and not look stupid.

But best part is that I have met someone. He is the most amazing guy I have ever met. Yes I know, I always say that when I meet someone new but I swear on my tiny heart that I'm not lying. I mean seriously, how many time in your life, you meet someone so similar to you. Someone who laughs at the same thing you do, smile at the same things, love the same things, and just is so similar to you. See I'm not joking and he is not my fantasy ok people. It is really funny how I met him, I just met him at the halloween party at the union and just grabbed him for a photo cuz his mask scared me. Haha. I had no idea who he was and have never seen him before, and one day he just added me on Facebook and said, I think youre cute. I was like, aww this guy is so sweet. We didnt talk much thou as he was always on and off facebook. Then suddenly, on 22nd Dec 2011, we ended up talking until around 5 in the morning. I could not stop smiling cuz he is just sooo cute and I just couldnt wait to meet him. then we decided to meet for coffee at the local cafe and omg, i'll tell you guys, once I set my eyes on him, I just fell in love. I'm not joking, I was just sitting there thinking this has to be the best day of my life.

Soon I went to London while him to Norway, and we chatted every chance we could when we were on Facebook. It was not easy, especially when I missed him so much but I could not say it cuz i know i would scare him off. I just felt really blessed to have met him. cuz not only does he listen to all my stuff but, I felt that I really wanted to care for this guy. I really do. I just wanted to fly over there and just hug him and never let go. that is the feeling he gives me. I would just wait up and see if he was online before going to sleep and I would just write loads cuz I just wanted him to be part of me and I just wanted to share everything I could with him. He told me about the log cabins and the dandelion places in Norway and I just wish that one day I could go there with him. Andddddd... he says that his mum loves Singapore, so meaning she would like me :P and maybe he might bring her there during summer break. YAY. although I do agree its a tad too quick but still, you never know what life throws at you.

xmas is over meaning, the date of seeing him is closing in. I really cant wait, aww i just wanna hug that boy and never let go. I went to get his present today. He wanted a mug and I found a place in Greenwhich which i could paint a mug. Being an art student before, ermm... i totally forgot how to do it. haha.. I mixed a really cloudy blue and wrote his name on the mug with his lyrics at the bottom. I love the blue cuz it feels like when the sun is about to go down and the sky turns dark and stars comes out. and thats when i know i'll be safe with him. im really silly i know.

cross my fingers and just pray with my tiny heart that nothing goes wrong and i can be happy just this time. and ps. dont we look like a cute couple :P

2011-07-02T22:06:00.002+08:00

I remember the day that this happened, just like it was yesterday. Ken and me were at mt faber when it happened. We got out of the car to talk, because I really needed some fresh air. He came to me and aske me what can he do to take the pain away from me. There was clearly nothing that he could have done. If he could, i knew he would. He pulled me closer and whispered again what he could do. I pulled away but he did not let go. He hugged me so tight as if protecting me from the world. At that instant when he begged me to tell him what he could do, I just broke down. There was no solution that we could have used. Nothing that would salvage the situation. Sometimes I wonder, if i did not let go, if i did not give up and if i just stayed with him until the day of my passing. Would things have been different? Would he leave with me. Would he take me somewhere where we can start afresh?

No.. He couldnt. He could not leave her and be with me. That is just not possible. After that night, he became hot and cold. He would call me out as and when he wanted to see me. And I did meet him (I'm so stupid) just because I really loved him and just didnt care about anything at all.

But the day when he left, my whole world died. It's not even like it crashed or blew up, it just died. My feelings were all dead. I could not feel anything. After that I just felt hurt. Why? I just didnt understand why or how he can do this to me? Didnt he love me? I know he did. The effort that he made, the way he looks at me, the way the give in to my silly request in France. I would remember those days. The pillow fights, the holding my hands tightly when the fishes attacked us while snorkling. Haha.

I thought now, things would be better, that things would change for once. But no, the time has not come yet.

Recently I met this guy, I really do want to spend my life with him but I just dont think he likes me enough. To put it straight, he was less confusing then Ken. Maybe they are the same, maybe they are not. But it wont matter anymore. James would not be a part of my life anymore after August. So in the meantime, I shall just make memories.

A Sweet Nothing

2011-06-21T21:08:00.004+08:00

That is what I feel around you. When I first met you, I thought "finally my life is going to change for the better, that finally something good will happen to me." But little did I know that nothing good happens, or maybe its just not time for my happiness yet.

When I first spend time with you, I though hey, this guy is really down to earth and really nice. But besides that, another thought popped up and that was, ken's mini me.

The only reason why that happens is that both of you is just a lady's man. And you're always busy. How do you expect to have a relationship when you dont have time? And okay, lets just say that you have time, but you dont even fucking initiate a date when you said that you owe me a proper date. Well where is it?? I mean seriously, you cannot tell me that you think about me whole day long and dont even talk to me. Excluding those good morning or good night messages. You dont even care. Just like the picture above, I really feel that I'm just another stranger in your life. Dont come and pretend that you care when you really cant be bothered. Dont come and instill thoughts in my head that you fall in love slowly. Fact is that you just dont want to be in a relationship with me.

I mean come on.. You got looks, money, status, etc. which girl out there would give you a miss? Right? So like I said, when will it be my turn. You cant just come and say that I like you but you dont show any actions to support your statement. its like helloooooo.. dont you know action speaks louder than words

In short, I dont want anything to do with you anymore.

2011-04-15T23:58:00.003+08:00

"hi, excuse me do you accept walk in patients" and the story continues. there he was with his messy brunette hair, forehead filled with sweat. as his dark brown eyes were waiting for an answer, she smiled and said, " i'm sorry, but we do not accept walk ins, however, i have a slot for 3 o'clock" he smiled back with his pearly sweet smile, wispering a thank you. "this is the guy i have been waiting for my whole life." she thought. though she didnt know him, nor his background or anything at all about him, she fell in love. everytime when I think of this, a smile will creep into my face, my heart will jump with glee. although i do not know of the outcome and if he would fall in love with me too, i just hope and pray. that even if he wasnt meant to be, that there will be someone else like him. everytime i think of him, i just cant bring myself to do anything. i'm afraid. im afraid of rejection. that he wouldnt like me. im afraid that i am incompatible with him. afterall he is a director, a film maker, a known producer. while im just a tiny little girl floatin around hoping to grasp on to my dreams. i just dont know what to do..

2011-03-27T22:39:00.002+08:00

had dim sum this morning at Dim Joy this morning. Food is quite good cept a tad expensive. but oh well, once in a while.. haha.. after that rushed off to the gym to meet ying.. walked for 30 mins on the treadmill before heading home.. met praveen for dinner at morocco deli @ arab street there. had chicken tanjine.. its actually quite nice. surprisingly.. hahaha.. it taste like chinese tomato soup with cauliflower, chicken and vegs. He had beef kebab which isnt as nice in my opinion. after that we met his friend, faiza. a funny guy who is drowned in this thoughts. hahah.. we had drinks at haji lane and after that it was to clark quay. they all sat on the bridge like it was so easy.. but i swore i struggled to get on top. it was hillarious to be honest.. and when i wanted to jump down. i was quite scared so luckily praveen helped me down. or else i tink i would have just died there.. hahah i hope next week will be better..

2011-03-27T03:58:00.002+08:00

The notebook, one of my favourite movie of all time. How I wish parts of my life could be like that. Meet someone, fall madly deeply in love with him and get to spend the rest of my life and die together like in the movie.

Everytime when I watch this I would wonder, will there be someone like noah in my life? One who can sweep me off my feet, protect and love me, give me everything that he can, and never disappearing in my life. One day I will find someone like Noah. I especially love the part when Noah reads to Ally. Its the patience and love he shows towards Ally. Never giving up hope that one day she will remember him.

Sometimes I really do wonder, why does life have to be so complicated. Why cant just everyone get along with one another. Then maybe true love will exist. In society love is not the same. It has totally lost its meaning. Maybe there are true love hiding around, just I never happen to chance upon them. If I had the chance, I would want to go back into time. Maybe 1960s, this era from the notebook. It was when love was easier to comprehend.

Maybe, just maybe one day I will meet this simple guy who will just love me for me... But before that I just want to be happy and stop thinking about unnecessary things. If its meant to be, it will be..

2011-01-08T02:43:00.001+08:00

hey baby,

i just wanted to let you know how much i missed you. from our first kiss at arab street to our dates to raffles hotel. and the swimming lessons that you taught me. the guitar that you bought. our trip to the night safari. and our rendevous to phuket.

i really miss you alot.. and everyone has gone away. everyone has left. but it is you that i want staying next to me. i cant imagine if one day you can put down you family and run away with me to ireland, switzerland or anywhere.. i really wish for that.. i really wish we could "find a place that belonged to us". i remember telling you that we will one day find a place of our own during our 1st valentine date.

i wanted to give you a surprise with the cupcakes but you saw right through me.. baby.. i love you more than anything and i really want to say that i will wait for you but i know its not going to change things between us.

we would still quarrel and i would always try to run away from everything. then you'll come along pulling me back closer to you. baby i miss everything about you. i miss your smell, the way you are with me.. i miss your hugs and kisses and i miss you.. i miss you so much that i have no words to sum it up.

although i was sooo mad at you during our phuket trip cuz i tot u didnt care.. i thought you didnt wanna go with me to phuket.. i tot i force u to go.. and im sorry for always forcing you to stay overnight with me.. im sorry.. but i just loved you company.. i always love being next to you and in your arms..

i love you fang yann.. and although in this life we cant be together i will always love you..

2010-11-29T01:45:00.002+08:00

i guess it has been a million years since i last blogged.. was super busy with work.. intially i loved this job but as time goes by, i dont know why i am still here.. i really dont know what i want to do anymore..

been some time i talked to him.. no difference i guess.. why stay on when you know everything is impossible.. its just too impossible.. i thought i had let go.. though i had forgetten everything but i did not.. truth is i still remember.. remember every detail of our time together..

sometimes i think.. what would life be like if one day you wake up and you realised that you have lost all your memories?? it would be scary like hell but if i could.. i wish that would happen to me.. so that i would never remember who you are..

but the biggest wish i have now is for someone to sweep me off my feet and bring me somewhere.. a place that belongs to us and a place where we'll grow old together..

will that person be here??

2010-09-08T00:22:00.002+08:00

"how long more must i continue to wait?"

this is just a simple statement that i keep asking myself. I know that there is no point in waiting for it yet i cant let go. its obvious that you cant be bothered anymore. its obvious that you dont want to have anything to do with me anymore yet im still acting the way that i am.

why cant i just leave and let go and treat you the way you treat me? why is that not possible? today is your bday.. you chose to ignore me as usual.. you go out partying n celebrating with ur frens. and when i called.. u just said " im busy, what do u want?" if i wanted to wish u happy bday, upon hearing that did it ever occur to u how hurt i would be in the end? NO! why? cuz im fucking insignificant to you. i dont even mean anything to you for u to be even bothered with my feelings

so many a times i wish to tell myself, just curse him and let him disappear from my world asap. FOr you to just get lost.. I know, no one can help me, i know no one can take what I have away from me except for myself. I know that unless I stand up and face you, I wont be able to walk away a happy person.

Thing is.. i had enough.. i had enough of all the waiting and the fucked up lies that you told me.. im tired of just being an idiot and letting you play around with me like im some toy then in the end throw me away like some used tissue paper..

I dont want this anymore.. I really want out.. and i really want to let you go.. i really want to just forget whatever i had with you.. i dont even want to rmb that you existed in this world.. i dont want to run away anymore.. i want to stand up and fight.. fight for what is right for me.. fight for wad i truly deserve..

as long as one day i dont get an ans, i will continue to haunt you down..

2010-08-26T01:15:00.002+08:00

"别太在乎，知易行难" i guess this was her msg to you.. telling to dont think so much and to take it easy..

i guess after all.. she can still give you more than what i am able to give you.. she still loves you alot and you still love her too.. told me that after natas then talk..

will you come and look for me after natas?

what will you tell me?

what will your decision be?

2010-08-25T02:18:00.001+08:00

a friend of mine really made my day by saying " if only i could buy you time so you would not be working so hard here and there."

it has been like 3 yrs since i last talked to him.. and for him to say things like that really made me day.. how i wish it was you who told me smthing like that.. but you are too busy.. will i get a chance to see you on the 30th?

we shall see..

2010-08-23T11:14:00.002+08:00

i finally realised how insignificant i mean to you.. its not just about yesterday night.. i saw the photos of u guys.. and i rmb the stories you told me about that sentosa that expensive hotel.. it made me realise that i can have that too if i want.. its just not with you..

im getting very distracted at work recently cuz i cant help but to keep thinking wth is wrong.. issit you or issit me? is it u really busy tt y u chose to ignore me or cuz u wanan avoid me?? i really dont know.. and just cuz of one "silly girl" made my heart stir all over again thinking will it be like old times again? will u be back again for me?? will you come back and bring me wherever you go?

i want you.. i want to be with you.. but whenever i see those photos of u n her.. i cant help but to feel that i cant have u.. its wrong.. cant help but to think how happy you are with her.. i mind.. i mind alot.. im not jealous of anyone else cept her.. cuz she has u.. i rmb that day u told me.."silly girl dont be jealous of her.. cuz u have my heart" do i really? if i really do and u are busy i wont be like this.. i would understand.. but do i really have ur heart that is the most impt question..

are you still in my life?

2010-08-21T12:36:00.002+08:00

am at work now.. feeling so tired.. ended work at around 3 am plus then had to wake up so early again for work.. there is flea today at scape and i so wanted to go but i cant.. oh well.. there will be still another time.. :)

right now listening to 98.7 and rihanna and enimen song. " love the way you lie" everytime i hear the chorus by rihanna i cant help but to think of you.

" Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And watch me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
The way you lie "

everytime i hear this part i cant help but to think of the lies that you feed me with and how i continue to believe in them.. im angry at myself not because i cant let go but cuz i dont want to let go.

i know everytime you tell me an excuse you are walking one step further away from me but i cant help but want to pull you back.. everytime you tell me you cant make it for work.. i try to believe in it even though i know deep down inside you are just running away and trying to avoid me.. no matter what.. i will still be the 3rd party in this whole story..

the story that i can stop.......

2010-08-20T00:38:00.002+08:00

today is my bday.. happy bday to me..

however, this is the day i hate the most.. i was looking forward to this day.. cuz i have confidence in you.. in us.. that you would come back for me.. that you would not leave me here.. that you would honor your promise of taking care of me.. but in the end.. you still threw me to one side..

i knew i would not be able to meet you since the 1st day you told me "i'll make time" i knew it would just be another lie but i still held on to it.. cuz i believed in you.. cuz i really believed that you love me..

when i saw your number appear on my phone just now.. i was so happy.. when you said " hi love, happy bday" i was very happy.. but i tried not to show cuz i knew following that would be excuses.. everytime.. you would give excuses not to meet me.. excuses for everything..

i dont know what else to say anymore.. im tired.. im hurt.. and im suffering.. everyday i tink about you before i go to slp, when i slp and when i wake up and everytime inbetween.. even when it rains i think of you.. thinking of how you gave me your sweater in the cold.. how you always made sure i had enough to wear when in bebbies.. pampering me.. and always wanting to know how i feel..

that day i was so upset with myself.. i almost cried in public.. a few drops of tears appeared and when my fren tried to cheer me up.. all i could think about was u.. about how u always tried to cheer me up when i was upset.. like that night in city oberland.. when you sang to me "sorry" or when everytime you say "so give me a time" or times when you say " silly girl you know i love you.." i wish to say i do to everything.. but i dont... i dont even noe how i can continue walking now..

im scared of ppl.. im scared of letting ppl know what i feel.. im scared of socializing.. im scared of being hurt.. i really dont know what else i should do.. there is so much inside of me that i wish i had answers to.. but i know.. even if natas fair is over. i would never know.. even if tml was the end of the world..

but there is smthing i know.. is that i should say bye bye...

i had enough.. crying on my bday is the worse thing that can happen to me.. i tried to smile and everything but ever since tt call.. my whole world went back to square 1..

2010-08-16T01:30:00.002+08:00

STOP WASTING TIME ON PEOPLE WHO DONT LOVE YOU....

this is something i have been telling myself lately.. but somehow it doesnt seem to work.. everytime when there is free time my brain suddenly channels itself to think of you..

and its even worse when i start getting emotional in public.. thanks fy for being there for me just now.. i know i haven been nice today.. and im glad that you bothered to make me laugh and cheer me up during the train ride.. though i was trying my best not to bawl out on the mrt like a big baby.. haha

but when i was being cheered up.. i suddenly thought of you.. thought of city oberland.. thought of that night you made me unhappy.. that night which you asked me to listen to this particular song called sorry.. you told me that this is the thing that you wanted to tell me.. what? that you are sorry for making me angry or sorry for wasting my time? after that.. after making me smile.. you told me this.. " i promise to care for you forever, even as a brother, friend, boyfriend or husband."

i rmb you telling me that " you will never leave me.. as long as i love you" why? if you didnt love me why fo you still want to stay? do you feel that you have to take responsibility? if that's the case i rather you just go.. but wait.. didnt you go already?

this whole mth.. i heard nthing from you.. none what so ever.. apart from that night when you were drunk and talking nonsense.. i never heard anything else again.. From " please dont doubt my love" to no calls at all.. its really a big blow to handle..

and the thing about " you wanting to be a good man." for who? its not for me.. but for her.. you knew all along that in the end you would choose her.. cuz you are not an ungrateful man.. but you thread me along cuz you felt guilty.. but do you know how much you hurt both of us?

you told me you would arrange thurs.. but today is already monday.. and?? no news from you whatsoever.. im tired of waiting.. because i have no idea what im waiting for.. you tell me wait until this mth is over.. but if in the end.. you tell me.. "we're over" i cant handle it..

even now.. i cant handle it.. i have been supressing all my thoughts and feelings until i cant bottle it up anymore.. i tried not thinking about you.. i tried burying myself with work.. but ultimately in the end when i reach home.. you come into my mind.. and your words, " why do you doubt my love for you" it sounds soo real until i really wish to believe in it.. but i dont dare.. im scared...

the "bottomless pit" is really bottomless.. i really cant seem to stop falling deeper.. its getting scarier and darker and colder by the day.. and you are no where in sight.. like you promised.. u promised never to let me go.. but now.. i cant even find you.. i dont dare to call you.. for fear that i may disturb your work.. but when you dont reply my msges i get upset..

but in the end i know you moved on.. your pass is her name.. her fb is your special night.. how obvious can it get..

i know im no dimsel but still i wish for a knight to save me from this plight..

2010-07-31T00:34:00.002+08:00

it has been what 1 week since i have last saw you.. these few days "what is the point" has been tiding me through this period. but its not working.. at least for this instant.. after your unexpected call, i tried to psycho myself what is the point. but i dont know why it just doesnt seem to work.

so when i told you, dont lead me on you stopped all contact. does that mean in the beginning you were leading me on too? i dont know.. i guess my departure really doesnt mean anything to you at all.. you tell me you miss me too.. do you? do u really miss me? what do you miss about me? why do you still miss me? there are so many answers i wish to find out from you but i know i will never get them answered.. like why? why did we even started this whole thing.. why did you let me continue? why did you keep lying to me telling me that you wanted me by your side. you knew that nothing would come out of it, so why did you give me so much hope?

everyday i just feel like going back in time.. to the time when we were in europe.. just pausing the time there if i could.. to all the happy times there.. to the times when i was oblivous to the lies, truth, reality. i wish i could go back.. i wish that right now you could be by my side now.. i really do..

would you still come back and read my posts? or just forget everything about me? I really wish to know.. I know yst's call was for wong, it could have never been cuz u missed me.. I also know that after yst there wont be any calls, msges, any form of contact from you. is that better?? i dont know. i really dont..

why cant you just come back..

2010-07-23T22:52:00.003+08:00

sometimes i just gotta learn how to let go.. everytime when i see the photos which dont belong to me i cant help but to think, what if that was me inside? every msg, ever phonecall just makes me want to linger longer to see what happens next.. waiting to see if its possible.. to see if in reality is fate in god's hands or ours?

I know there is a time when everyone has to learn to walk and grow up.. and i know the time for me to walk away from all of this is now. this is the perfect chance to just leave and never look back. but i cant help myself from stealing glances at my past. at the times we had.. maybe i can help myself but like everyone says, im blinded. i wish i could just really open my eyes and just realise that i was not blinded and that i can finally see what i am missing out in life.

i really wish i could.. i wish i could leave this instant.. find the man of my dreams and settle down in a small town with our kids, growing old together and loving each other till the end.. but i guess this plan has to be shelved for the moment until i can find that one guy whom im willing to settle down with.. but who knows, i might have a shot-gun marriage then realise he is not the one and end up in a divorce. i dont know.

had a small talk with my friend the other day and she told me something i really refuse to admit. she told me i have given up hope on love, on life and most importantly myself. i hate to admit that but i know its the truth.. i no longer think love is that merry and something that is happy.. i think life is just simply just torturing and i have certainly no idea what im here for.. i have given up everything... i know that's wrong and i got to pick myself back up. and i know i have damn gd frens who will be there to help me pick up the pieces.. but if i dont make an effort, no one including god can help me..

but i just dont understand why i am still clinging on to something hopeless which is killing me every single day.. i dont understand why i love him so much that i refuse to come to my senses.. yes i am selfish and i have to idea what has become of me.. i just know that i dont like this and i just want to get out.. i know im not any princess but still, shouldnt the knight appear now and save me from this? i know even if a knight appears right now i would not hope onto his horse.. cuz this is not the knight i wanted.. im blinded.. and i wish i could just take the blindfold out and realise what a fool i have been..

to all my frens, im really sorry that despite trying ur best to help me i neglected all of u.. i know im stubborn and no matter what all of u say i still choose to be blinded.. and im grateful that i have frens like u guys who didnt leave me when i was alone.. i love all of u... esp my darling yiwei who gave me most of ur time.. love u babe..

2010-07-19T15:16:00.005+08:00

suddenly have a few songs that are making me happy these few days.. and these are not in preference..

1. Arashi - Love so sweet

Oh god, I forgot when I was crazy over them. I think it started after hana yori dango when I just loveee Jun Matsumoto (2nd from right). Then slowly it just moved on to AIBA!! Isnt he such a gorgeous guy?(center) His small little face and just intense look.. Feel like such a little girl again. hahah.. Then lastly my next favorite guy has to be Ohno (1st from right). He is the leader and the oldest. Maybe that's why I like him. He has this stable deeling to him and best is he does housework. ahahha.. Back to the song.. Love so sweet always made me happy no matter how or when i listen to it. Cuz its just a really sweet song and just makes you so happy being in love. This song if I'm not wrong is about a guy seeing a girl for the first time and just falling in love with her.

2. Tegomass - kiss~ Kaerimichi no love song

I fell in love with the song the 1st time I heard it. Its those song which makes you sway along. you know what i mean. This song is about love (obviously) and 2 people. About how the guy would do whatever it takes to protect the one he loves even if the world were to end tml. And their dream of growing old together. When both of them gets older. He would still kiss her and hold her hands like how he used to when they were younger. And it ends with "kimi ga saigo no kiss itsumademo" meaning that your kiss is my last, forever. Makes me want to have this type of love if it really exist.. The type that it will last and you guys are old and wrinkled but still love each other like the 1st time you met. Those kinda love.

* digress abit. i was reading xinmsn yst and i saw one on vanessa paradis. those who dont know, she is the wife of johnny depp. she said, she wasnt with depp because he is such a gorgeous guy on the outside, but cuz he is much more inside. she said that she cant believe that anyone in the world can be in love like the way they 2 are. Its so sweet.. And i hope i can find my version of depp.. Thou its hard. haha.. cuz he is just so sexy, manly and just everything. i dont even wanna start.. hahah

3. A Mei - 原来你什麽都不想要

I just manage to find this song after so many million years and I still love this song alot. Nothing much to say about it. The lyrics is simple and just says everything.

4. Nicky lee
songs like 不完美 and baby是我. Nicky is sooo cute and that's all I have to say but these songs esp baby是我 just makes me smile. cuz he is sooooo cute..

yep.. these are a few songs which help me get through these few days of boredom and now im going to watch bloody mondy.. cuz MIURA HARUMA in in it!!! I just loveeee him too.. he is so cuteeeee and the 1st show i saw him was in koizora.. it is the best movie which made me cry like no one business but its really a good show..

I'm trying to find one pic of miura but i cant, cuz every pic is too handsome.. so just go google him. ahah

2010-07-14T19:22:00.002+08:00

Seriously I have no idea what the hell is your problem.. wait wait wait.. arent you a man also? oops I forgot maybe you are too chicken to be a man. I mean seriously cant you also give opinions or are your opinions just kept for your side of the people. If that's the case then ask them to be your kids.. I couldnt care less to be honest. Seriously.

I had it enough with the both of you trying to act like you care when you dont. Spare me the plastics cuz it aint gonna work. You there trying to act like ok go do your homework and I will make sure it works and in the end? when i have done everything i should have what did you do?? oh that is a stupid idea blah blah blah.. i dont need all these fucking nonsense.. you just have to tell me.. are u or are u not going to work with me to figure out something.. if u arent then pls dont ever play another part in my life cuz i dont need your comments or ur "concern"

And mum I know that you have worked hard for this family for the 3/4 of your life and you just want to live your own life. I can understand that.. But seriously? telling me not to go back to the states cuz its just too damn far.. cant you call just understand that i dont want to be here.. whether be it im running away or trying to start my own life.. I JUST DONT WANT TO BE HERE. and if i really have to.. i will stop studying and work for my education fees if i really have to. im serious.. that is how desperate i am to get out of here..

if you really care i will feel it.. but now its all fake.. so just pls.. keep it and save it for someone else..

2010-07-13T00:00:00.002+08:00

today was a very very very wierd day.. woke up and decided to head down to the canadian education center but in the end realised it closed down.. so me and my cousin decided to eat at this jap street next door.. to realise that it was also closed down.. then she said " nvm, lets go sunshine plaza for jap bento." when we reached, they didnt open. so in the end we settle for thai food..

after that took cab down to tanjong pagar to the USEIC to realise that you can only talk to the counselor prior with a booking. ARGHHH.. they didnt even state that on the webby. NVM.. so I ended up looking at some university majors and deciding where I should choose. After that we went back to chinatown when I had the sudden urge to dye my hair.. Sat there for like I donno how long and I finally decided on this I donno what color. HhMMM.. is it nice?? I think so.. At least i like it.. but my hair is getting too long for my liking. might cut shorter when the time is right. After that we went back to eat.. To find out that tonight we are having CURRY FISH HEAD!!! hahahhaa.. it was nice.. but too much food..

after that, it was time for DESPICABLE ME!!!! it is soooooooo cute but the only thing that sucks was that it was in 3D. oh well.. but its really nice.. tml is time for TWILIGHT!! i know it's like what? 1 week already but still. hahaha.. but there are like sooo many movies that i have been wanting to watch lately..

1. the last airbender
2. the sorcerer's assistant ( tt guy is cute & of course nicholas cage )
3. inception ( leo decaprio, i use to hate him but now i realise that there is this manliness in him )
4. toy story 3
5. Hot tub time machine
6. Salt

omg.. so many movies and so little money.. oh god.. please have it online soon.. haha..

2010-07-12T02:54:00.001+08:00

hmm.. suddenly had a thought.. should I also consider education in Canada? Doesnt seem that bad either. Well more research needs to be done.. must work hard in leaving Singapore. :)

2010-07-11T17:02:00.002+08:00

Every time I look at my table I would notice this little red book. This book was the 1st thing I bought for myself during the Europe trip and it holds a significant importance to me. Red is the colour of love, anger, strawberries and anything else you can think of. This book is the one which I penned all my thoughts and emotions on, something that had kept me strong for these past few months.

As I flip through the contents of it, I cant help but to think of all the happy times which once belonged to us. Walking down milan street, the roulette, the wine and steak, the 2 whole chickens for dinner, tickle wars, kayaking around hong island and the jellyfish, the numerous amount of creme brulee that we had and the memories of how much attention you gave to me. To be honest, I was really happy because I was given a chance that time. A chance to be by your side and love you.

Yesterday when I saw your email I was really happy but I told myself "no I would not talk to you." But I could not control myself again and just went online with my iphone. And when you told me "then there is no point continuing this conversation, bb." My whole world went along with you. I thought that you would really come back and surprise me like how you use to. But you didn't. I cried my eyeballs out, I cried so hard until I thought I would stop breathing at any second. After crying and letting everything out I got tired.

Today when I woke up I saw your email and you ended your email with your name. I guess you have also made your choice . I am just glad that I am able to let you go and glad to have found back myself.

Cheers to the new me :)

2010-07-09T03:46:00.003+08:00

i couldnt sleep yet again. which night had it been since i could have a proper rest? i have totally lost count. tried countless ways but none seem to help.

was taking out a few photos and videos from the past when i was really young. And guess what I realise, i was and still am hot tempered. hahaha.. no doubt the temper has decreased slightly over the past few years but i am still me. the one that like things to be done my way, my style. hahaa.. i always hated to lose, hated to be out of control, loved to be pampered and loved to have fun.

i missed the times when something so small like practicing the violin or singing my song on the radio would make me so happy. i miss those times when i would just be happy over the little stuff. although time has changed. as you grow older you tend to have more responsibilites and more roles that you are suppose to take on, be it a mother, wife, spouse, friend, etc. i believe that you should still continue to be happy over the small stuff.. ultimately, who doesnt wish to be happy? everyone does and everyone deserves to be happy. so be it learning a new dish or a new language or just simply losing weight you should just be happy. Reason is simple because all these proves your significance in the world. Isnt that what everyone is living in this world for? To be recognised by someone.

When i looked at myself at 3 yrs old or 8 yrs old i finally realised the meaning of ignorance is bliss. when you dont know the reality you feel more happy and less stress. but being blinded doesnt necessarily mean its good. If given a choice now, i will still choose to be in my own innocent world where nothing can hurt me and just be happy.

I guess after so many changes in my life, i realise the thing i want the most and need the most is happiness. And that is something that no one can give me except for myself. Everyone can try to make me happy but in the end will i be happy is another matter. I have learn to look at things less significantly, im not saying that im not serious about life. I am, its just i learn to take things easy.

But the happiest thing that I am feeling now is how much i have grown in regards to how people view me. People can view me in one thousand million ways but i should not let that affect me, because as long as i like the way im viewing myself that's all it matters. selfish? yes i am. but that's just life, you cant please everyone. that's not what life should be.. life should be doing things that make you happy.. like my mum, i always disliked the fact that she would stay overseas and leave me with my dad n bro. but this time round when i see how happy she is to stay in the temple and just chant throughout the day, i cant help but to feel happy for her.

she told me yesterday that her shifu asked her to call me.. to check up on me.. it felt as if the gods were really hearing my prayers and sending someone to help me.. do gods really exist? i dont know but all i know is i just believe in myself. because my life is in nobody's hands except for mine.

these are some quotes from John F Kennedy which i would like to share.

- Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certainly to miss the future

- Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names

- Once you say you're going to settle for second, that's what happens to you in life

- Our problems are man-made, therefore they may be solved by man. And man can be as big as he wants. No problem of human destiny is beyond human beings.

therefore i end it with your fate is in your own hands.

2010-07-07T18:54:00.003+08:00

i know i promised not to blog about him but today is really killing me.

its like i was fine without you for that whole week. i let my heart died then suddenly you had to msg me, " i miss you" and screw up my whole system. I thought i could really let you go and yes im still trying to let you go. But after that msg i went back to square 1. I hate that, i hate that feeling of being so weak. the feeling of not being able to control my own feelings.

i have no other choice but to let go, yes i know im psychoing myself that too.. i know i must let go.. that i must draw this line between us.. i have the chalk in my hands yet i dont have the courage to draw that line. the line that will end everything.. i cant be like this. i cant continue like this.. i have gotta stop.. i have to back out..

overall this year is a pretty bad year for me, everything is not going in order.. i just really hope that it will all be over soon..

2010-07-03T23:31:00.003+08:00

I know its a double entry again, but this post is for you.

To you:

If you asked me do I regret knowing you, I would not be able to give you any answer. Being the angry me I would say YES!! I hate you and I cant wait for you to get out of my life. But being the me which once loved you so much I would say no cuz no matter how tough this road was, it was my decision.

Exactly 3 months and 3 days have passed and during this 3 months it was like hell breaking loose. No one knew what was happening or what the outcome would be like. But during this past few weeks the whole world changed. You stopped caring for me, stopped loving me and stopped being the man that I once fell in love with. You've changed. I know you will say , " No I still love you and I still care for you." Then if that's the case, maybe you never fell in love with me to begin with.

Being with you was one of the hardest love I have ever tasted. The constant disappointments when you would back out on our dates, or the times when you couldnt even make time for me, or the times when all I needed was to hear your voice. You were never there for me. And me? All I could do was wait patiently for you to be by my side. Stupidity and a fool yet again. Being treated in that way and yet I'm still hanging on shows how much you mean to me. But so what? Its a single sided affair and that's all it will ever be.

I know that if I tell you," I'm leaving." you would just say, " orh ok lor. loving someone doesnt mean you gotta possess them. " This phrase only shows how shallow this love is. If you really love someone you will try to do your best to keep them by your side so that you can protect them from this harsh reality of this world. But being you, no matter who the other party is there is no way you can protect or care for them. Reason being that you are just too obsessed with yourself. You love yourself more than you love anyone in this world. To you, you are the most important thing. I cant judge because we have different mindsets.

Simply it just shows that there is no such fate that exist between us. And since that's the case there should be no other reason to keep you by my side anymore. From today onwards, you want to go Mongolia just go, you want to go prawning with a pink rod go ahead, whatever you want to do is up to you. It's your life that you have to lead. And I cant find any part of me inside your life. So I think we shall just bid our final farewell.

There will be no more post on you or how much im missing you or how much im crying over the fact that you're gone. Everything about you will just disappear with a click on the del button on this keyboard.

Goodbye,

From me..

2010-07-03T23:18:00.002+08:00

I finally managed to watch karate kid with ah dey yesterday. It's really nice but if I were to compare the original karate kid and this one.. I still prefer the one with mr miyagi. But unfortunately he passed away. After movies we went for dinner at botak jones.. thanks for the dinner :) And I realise sometimes when one gets too caught up with someone, one will tend to neglect their surroundings.

I have been neglecting those things that I actually have with those things that I want to have. But now im glad that I have set my priorities straight. Isnt that what you said? Everyone has different priorities in life and guess what. Now that you are no longer part of my life, i'm glad. im really glad. will this be the final goodbye? i seriously hope so.

Was singing with yi wei today at kbox and i swear that guy is the cutest ever. hahaha.. yi wei there is no flower on my head alright. but he was cute rite? ok maybe to me only. hahaha.. but i had alot of fun singing my lungs out until my throat hurts now. suddenly the song that's in my head now is by M2M, mirror mirror. the chorus is the one that really caught me. " Mirror mirror on the wall, you don't have to tell me who's the biggest fool of all. Mirror mirror I wish you could lie to me, and bring my baby back, bring my baby back to me..." This exact phrase. The irony inside this sentence.. Its like.. you know you are a fool and yet you still want to continue to be the fool. Is it worth it?

Ah dey was telling me that day that what he told me is cuz he felt it was worth it. Then how do you decide if something is worth the try? Because there is no regret in the end? Or because you've learnt something from it? I really dont know. But all I can say is that like M2M, part of me still wishes that the mirror could continue to lie to me so that my baby will come back. But that's only in fairytales. In reality its just called letting go.

Someone also said this to me. " what you believe to be the real truth is your judgement from what you assume is right." Yes. I agree with that. It because what you assume is right is usually a trail of reasons and facts that conclude in this assumtions. For instance, this man is being killed and all evidence shows that exhibit A is the one which killed him. Therefore in the end, we will assume base what we think is right and make our judgement from there. Isnt that how humans work?

2010-07-02T00:58:00.003+08:00

I know its a double entry but still.. Sometimes I really dont get what good it does to people when they gossip around people's back. I'm not saying I'm a saint cuz i do gossip. But being a gossip-monger has a limit.

Recently someone said to me, "why are you hanging on to this rs when you know there is no good outcome? cuz you have no one else to hang on to that's why you hang on to this life bouy?" So what i told him is, " then what makes you think that the next rs that i encounter will have a good outcome? no one can guarentee anything in this world." can you guarentee that the slimming tea that you drink really works? are you sure its the tea which is helping you or a change in lifestyle routine? so back to the story, he came and said "so this rs can guarentee a gd ending? no wonder wad ur batch girl say about you is true." ok now you have really ticked me off.

in what way does my love life is of concern to you may I ask? be it that im being cheated or hurt does it help you in any way? im sorry to say that no matter how much you may seem to care about me im sorry, IM JUST NOT INTO YOU. do i make myself clear enough? and oh please save yourself some face and not go around acting like a 38 yr old saint. if you shd worry, maybe you should start worrying about your own love life. 40 and not married, it shows a hell lot of things. and another thing.. those batch girls that you were talking about. which girls do you know? apart from those during the attachments and who are in dem now. hmm.. and what right do these girls have to comment about me when in the actual fact is that they dont know any fuck about me. so why not do yourself and everyone a favour and stop tryin to act like a 18yr old boy alright. its really fucking disgusting and revolting i must add. and you telling me forget that you even said that. if i shd forget that you even say that then why do u in the 1st place wanna comment something like that. you thought that by commenting i would think that oh you are so concern about me, asking ppl abt the type of person i am. Im sorry i think that just plain childish. if you wanna noe abt me why not try to ask me? maybe i would tell you abt the things i like or wad turns me on and off.. hmm.. isnt that what you are after anyways. think about your childish attitude when i reject your offer to stay overnight at a chalet with you alone time after time.

and now you tell me, " i promised her not to say and besides she was a little drunk." thank you but i dont need to noe the contents of you trying to hit on someone 10 or more years younger than you. and i definitely no need to know that you are so protective over her. it doesnt make me jealous. it just makes me feel very worried for her that she is in the hands of a wolf. a wolf in sheep clothings. as simple as that. alright.

so i would really appreciate if you could kindly get the fuck out of my life and bring along your little girl too..

2010-07-01T23:47:00.003+08:00

watching tv today and its funny how dramas are not totally unrealistic to a certain extent. Like in the channel 8 show, the 9 pm one when the guy is so crazy about the female to the extent whereby he does so much to win her over and gain her trust. In reality do guys like these still exist? Maybe somewhere out in the world, deep in the oceans or above the highest mountain I can still find guys who will give me the respect and love that I truly exist. But right now apprently infront of me there are none. *starts to think are my expectations too high?*

while watching desperate housewives, there was this saying there goes something like this, " everyone is judging everyone from what they see without knowing the real truth. And you will only start to judge yourself and your actions when you have truly taken a step back and view the whole picture." Upon knowing the whole story and judging yourself will you still continue that mistake? That's one answer that no one except for you needs to know.

Does true love still exist in this world? Is it something which is still important to me? Is it something which I care for with all that I have? No. Its not. Thinking back on all the things that have been happening in my life, the trips that I have taken, people I have met and things that I have seen. Love is just a small part in this world. But being as small as it seems, its not unimportant. While watching "stars for a cause" where darren and evelyn went to mumbai and tried their best to help those street kids steer away from drug addiction and self mutilation made me realise that although how small love plays a part in a person's life, it is still deemed as important. Some of these kids become the way they are due to the lack of love that they were given in their own homes. Some of these kids get abused, be it mentally, emotionally or even physically. And because of these constant abuse they turn to self mutilation and drug addiction to cope with the pain and sufferings they are faced with. Is this right? NO its not. Coping with pain, suffering, or even poverty are parts and parcels of life and true to say everyone has their own way of dealing with it. Through these mutilations and drugs what do they learn? They learn how to be unhappy with life, they learn how to vent out the frustrations on themselves. But once they are able to take a step out of this , then they will truly learn the art of appreciating life itself.

Life being as tough or fucked up as it is doesnt mean that we should be angry at it. When things doesnt go right, why not stop what you are doing and take a deep breath. And look at all the things that you have. Life is not forever, who knows it may be over the next day for some but that shouldnt stop us from being happy and doing things that brings happiness to the people around us.

2010-07-01T02:00:00.004+08:00

Wont christmas come early this year?

Recently chance upon this olympus ep-1 on xia xue's blog and the functions are amazing.

I love the pinhole camera effect as well as the grainy film.

Yi wei, was this the one that you were talking about that day?

Now I also wish I can have a huge paycheck from somewhere so I can get this.

I'm not saying my canon one is bad but this camera looks really pretty and rugged.

Its sooo cute..

Shall start saving from I dont know where either.

Hope money will really start to drop from the skies somewhere.

I was reading the newspaper today and I forgot which country where this lady was fired from citybank as she posed as a disturbance to her male collegues due to the fact that she is pretty. I mean seriously? Getting fired for looking like a vixen? I understand that citybank has to do well as it is a well known bank afterall. But blaming her for the drop in productivity of the work from the male deparment is just simply ridiculous. I think the fault lies with men. Men are born to be lecherous and love to oogle at the sight of pretty women. I'm not being a feminist and saying that females dont, but at least we get out work done and are not affected. I still think that she should not have been fired. If the men job performance can be affected by the mere sight of pretty women, then is it right to say that men dies in the hands of a women? This only shows how weak humans are when it comes to temptations. Correct me if I am wrong. In ancient Greek there is a legend known as the Odessey and from what I remember is that during that period when men travel out to sea they will never return due to the sights and sounds from the nymphs. This also proves my other fact that the way to the men's heart isnt his stomach but his eyes.

I use to think that not all men are alike and that there are still some good ones around. Maybe there still are, except these type of men are either unavailable or extinct. Well its just I'm not ready to meet them yet. But after concurrent incidents, it suddenly dawn upon me that all male are the same. There is no running from the truth. They are realistic creatures who will stay with you for certain reasons. Some common reasons would be sex, responsibility, money and sometimes because there is nowhere else to go.

Recently I saw a post on this forum whereby this girl says, " men will never leave their wives." True to a certain extent. In her story, her uncle left his wife for the mistress however as time pass the uncle has another affair. You see, when the mistress status has been upgraded to the wife, it simply leaves a new opening for the place "mistress". Understand what I mean? Ok, back to the uncle having another affair. This time he had an affair with the ex wife. Irony of how men are not able to leave their wives. However, this is not the case of the majority as some men really do leave their wives and live happily with their mistress. I'm not saying that straying men are setting a good example in this society. I'm just saying that as long as he knows what he is getting into we should not judge. Because we never know what is the truth behind the affairs. So in this society now where everyone is judging each other base on values and mindsets that we are taught. Is this right?

I used to think that there was only black and white in this world but as I grow older I realised that the shades of grey that hide deep inside this society holds the higher power. There is hardly anymore right or wrong in this world. For eg, killing is a wrong thing no matter what reason it is. But what if it was for protection? mental condition which made him kill? Does that make a wrong thing right? Almost everything in this world can be twisted around.

Is there anymore righteousness in this world anymore?

p.s sorry for digressing from the camera. :p

2010-06-30T00:12:00.002+08:00

*Tweet Tweet Tweet*

That seems to be the only thing on my mind now. No I'm not talking about tweeter. I'm talking about peace. Birds and peace only has a link unless the bird is a dove which I doubt the ones in my mind are. Why peace? Alot of things have been happening in my life, its just like being stuck in the ocean and there is nothing you can do to get back on shore. And the worst part has yet to come. Suddenly a whirlpool had to come along and wreck my tiny little boats to shreds. Yep, that's pretty much what's happening in my life. Despite the havoc I managed to take in a deep breath and calm down my thoughts.

Recently I had a chat with my friend the other day to find out that "hey, I really do have an identity crisis." Too many things have been happening these few years and I have changed alot, into someone I hardly recognise. These few days I have been picking up the wooden shreds from the boat wreck and tried to piece them together. To be brutally honest, its not easy at all. Trying to glue or tie back the pieces while the whole world mocking you behind your back. It sucks, but that the reality of life. It's something you cant run away from.

My love life this year is what I would like to describe as forbidden. Just like how Adam & Eve were not allowed to eat the apple in the sacred garden. Or how Romeo & Juilet's love were made out to be. In ancient China, if this were to happen, the people who were involved are to be thrown inside pig cages and dumped into the sea. Whereas, in the Western culture it was deemed as something unethical, unheard of or even unthinkable. However, times have changed. Situations have not and people's perception are still the same. It's interesting how times can change and how people can develop but how values stay. So back to my story of forbidden love.

Forbidden love like something a person might desire at a certain point in time, whether be it strong or weak. It possess something which captivates the curious mind and once you're in it. End of story. Nothing good ever comes out from something forbidden be it in the past or in the 21st century. As long as it doesnt belong to you, happiness will not follow. So all you are doing in this forbidden love is indulging in self pity, in curiosity, in delusions and in hopes that dont exist. All you are doing is creating a world, a fantasy to run away from the reality of life. Love should not be that way. Love should never be the reason you are running away from something because those kind of love are just temporary.

It's time to wake up from that fantasy world and get back on track. It doesnt matter how long you stray, it matters on how much are you willing to get back on track.

2010-06-15T02:23:00.000+08:00

i guess you are better off without me.. dont you think so?

2010-06-13T21:41:00.002+08:00

arghh.. what is wrong with today.. i know i wanted my life to be happening but not in this manner right..

started out at 4am plus when uncle told me that dad is hospitalized cuz of mild stroke.. in the end just chest pain for investigation. went down to the ward that he was in and ok la.. nothing happened that time.. after that wanted to go to the cafe near AnE there to buy some food in the end its closed!!! how can it be close???? ridiculous.. isnt it suppose to be 7 day wk? haha.. i dont know cuz i never really work sunday in AnE before. then after that.. when home to freshen up b4 meeting my cousin to IT fair.

while going to the train i was suddenly stopped by this lady who called out to me.. i took out my earpiece and she said, " can give me money to eat? " yes i do feel sad that you dont have money to eat but then how come suddenly there are more these type of people on the streets and in mrt nowadays. the gov shd do smthing about it. do more for those in need. you cant even take care of your needy ppl how do you expect your country to excel? then on the way down the escalator.. these 2 uncle were blocking my way.. i said excuse me TWICE and none wanted to budge.. seriously.. be considerate can?? are you like deaf or you dont understand what is excuse me? lucky one of the uncle move abit for me to squeeze through.. the other one.. i swear i wanted to kick him down the escalator..

i know my mood is pretty bad.. yes.. cranky when i dont get enough slp and food..

after reach my cousin house.. my popo bath the mad dog who bite her.. it was a 4cm wound and abt 0.5cm deep.. the mad dog.. that's why i love my baby.. she's not tt mad.. did dressing for my popo before going to IT fair.. super alot of people and the laptop that i wanted to get was SOLD OUT? my luck.. seriously sucks today.. then i settled for another since the graphic card seems better and it was cheaper. after buying took cab back to cousin hse before resting and going home.

decided to take cab home.. wrong move.. the cabbie uncle started talking abt blue eye ppl and black eye ppl.. and abt god and adam and eve and make love and babies and how guys shd treasure girls cuz girls can be pregnant n guys cant. etc etc.. after reach home.. another bomb attack..

my dad said, " lets go TTSH, your ah ma admitted." i told him i dont want to go but noooooooo, im not given a choice because im a freaking female. he said. " your mother not here so you must go. " my mothere here or not.. its not like i got a choice right.. hate it man.. hate it.. seriously.. you are my dad and so? doesnt mean u can start bossing me around and expect me to respect u.. i'm sorry i dont.. i do wad im suppose to and dont expect more from me. then when we reach there.. u all know hosp got 4 ppl policy.. in the end he quarrelled with the ppl downstairs cuz upstairs gt 4 ppl already and he cant go up.. and he was pissed.. seriously la.. there is like what.. 6 ppl upstairs already.. just ask the kids to come down.. its not like they need to be up there right? he go up then do what? what make decisions.. pls la.. talk fucking crap ok.. maybe its cuz that's not my mother i dont feel his pain. but whatever.. none of my business.. his problem is none of my concern.

finally managed to vent of at least 20% of the fire in me.. whew.. hope tml will be a better day..

2010-06-11T22:23:00.004+08:00

there is a sudden urge in me to shout, " I MISS YOU! " but after shouting that?nothing changes. The world stills rotate, people are still on the move, I am still breathing and you are still gone.

when I see my friends being so happy in their relationship i get so envy. they get to go out with their partners, spend time with time, learning about each other and loving each other everyday. I want this type of love. I want a love where we will grow old together, where we learn something new about each other everyday. I want a love where I know I am being loved, where I know I am important, where I know I am being missed. I miss that kind of love. I miss the type of love where you would do silly things together and try out new things for the sake of your partner.

I want to let down my hair and have fun and love like I never loved before. But this is not the right time nor person. And all I can do is wait. Either wait for things to take a turn and change or wait for the impossible or leave and wait for the right one to appear.

I know what my choice is but its a choice that I dont want to admit. Its a choice where I dont want to believe in. A choice where I dont want to have any part of. I chose to let go, but I know you would still think I am being emo that I am being childish. But how long will this last? How long am I suppose to wait until the sun starts shinning on me again?

2010-06-11T15:05:00.004+08:00

One day I wish I can find my spongebob although I dont like spongebob.

But I wish that for once I can be Patrick and be important to that special someone.

2010-06-11T14:45:00.003+08:00

Everything has to have a stop, including this.
It's time to wake up and start living my life, my way..

I am no longer going to care about what happens next,or how much pain is going through each day.
All I know is that I should not care about something which is not worth it.

It will be hard to let go.
Hard to forget everything that has ever happened.
Hard to let go of the feelings trapped inside.
But the least I can do is try.

Starting from now.

2010-06-11T01:34:00.003+08:00

That's what I feel.
It not about being emotional or being moody,
It's about being myself.

This is who I am.
I am not perfect,
I think alot,
I like things to go my way,
I'd like for you to treat me like I am worth it.
I'd like for you to tell me what you feel,
what you really really feel inside.
I'd like for you to make effort to make me feel I am special.

Its not about sending me to places,
or meeting me in the middle of the night.
It's more than that.

It's about sharing the same dreams and goals.
It's about working together,
understanding each other,
supporting and being there for each other.
I know I'm not exactly the perfect person in your eyes.
I know that no matter what I do I will never match up to your standards.
But if I say I'm trying,
would you believe?

Don't you feel that everytime I ask you things

all you do is dodge my questions

and pretended that there was none.

Everytime I say we have problems,

you'd just say, "Do we?"

Have you thought about what I would feel.
To you these are nonsense,
these are crap,
child's play

or whatever you want to call it.

But to me,

getting into your life is everything...

2010-06-08T19:55:00.007+08:00

ok.. please bear with me people. I really have to vent this anger out before it drives me to become a monster.

So what is a boyfriend in your understanding? Someone who is with you, cares for you, loves you, spends time with you and one who does things with you willingly. Something along that line right? WRONG. A bf is someone who find an empty slot in their busy lifestyle and just slot you in just some freaking business deal.

You dont have to glue to me 24/7 if you dont want to, I'm not forcing you. Just ignore me lor. isnt that what you do best? You have pass that age. I havent. I'm still in my youth stage. I still hunger and crave romance. Not like you. I still need that time where we will spend time together and create memories together. But you? You are at the stage where you say, " lets cut the romance crap, so you wanna get 2gether or not."

Dating to you is just a plain chore right? I pick you up, we watch movies and eat. Ok, end of story. Goodnight. WTF is that? Am I childish? Ask any girl my age, can they tolerate their bf treating them like that? Work is more important, this is more impt, that is more impt, every fucking thing is more impt. then where do i stand? your feet? or your toes? definitely not your heart. Dont go on telling me you are impt, you dont understand, i love you blah blah blah all those sweet talk. if you intend to say something mean it. if you intend to make a promise, fulfill it. dont just go around playing with words that you arent going to hold on to or you are going to forget. these words may not change your life, but guess what. it changes mine.

You think i like to do this every fucking day? to be emo and mop around. hello.. i want to have a life too. apparently right now im having trouble getting my life back together. but are you helping? NO. you say you care. ok. so where were you when i got rejected from NTU? hmm.. office.. where you again when i needed to apply for SIM? hmm.. office.. and where were you when i needed a shoulder? hmm.. office, universal studios, out having fun while related to work. so.. where were you again when i needed a bf who cares. i dont know. are you still here in this world? ok. i am childish to write all the msges.. but when were you matured? does putting your gf in the last place matured? or disregarding her feelings but saying you dont like her being emo or throwing tantrum or simply she is just too bloody naggy matured..

So if that is not matured what is? Hmm.. call when we have the time to talk, or meet when we both have free time slots? Sorry.. love is not something you just fit into your schedule. if that is love, then any freaking tom, dick or harry can be my bf. Love is something where you put in effort to meet the other person. To do things for other ppl. To do things to show that you care and love that person. Things which bonds both of you 2gether. Like eg. communication. How can we have a bloody rs when there is no freaking communication? when one tries to talk and the other says, " shut up, you are too naggy." or when one tries to ask the other says, " why? ahiya i call you back later and tell you k." or other fucking crap. If that is communication to you then i will just shut up and stop talking for the rest of my life.

you tell me you dont like me talking to him. OK. then stop talking to her. dont go and tell me this is different. just shut up cuz its bloody fucking same. ok. if i were going to be with her it would have been 2 years ago. same goes for me. if i were to be with him it would have been what 5 years? or more ago. then? you say.. cant you tell he is treating you like a spare.. then i ask you. cant you tell that she is treating you like a fling. all the ai mei that is going around you 2. please... even the freaking blind man on the streets can tell. i'm not stupid alright. dont treat me like one.

honestly i really thought this relationship could be different. i thought that this relationship could last. i thought that this relationship can allow me to start believing that love truely exists. But guess what. love doesnt exist. even no matter how much you hope for it or pray for it, it wont happen means it wont happen. even if you cry your heart out, if they dont care there is nothing you can do. even if you cut your heart out to show them how much you love them. it doesnt matter. love is superficial. love is fake. promises are meant to be broken. words are meant to decieve and hope.. is meant to be dashed.

there is nothing happy about life. there is nothing to look forwards to anymore. the sunrise? big deal. its just another day.. another day of misery. so what is with "tml is another brand new day"
total bullshit.

2010-06-04T22:26:00.004+08:00

There are times in life when I pause to think, "what the hell am I doing?"
And that time is now.

I start to ponder about, "what ifs."

what if this didnt happen? what would my life be like?

what if this was all just a lie, how would I react?

what if this was all just a dream, what would I do?

what if all that I am holding on to right now just breaks away?

And the list goes on.

Right now I am thinking,
what if I stayed?
Will it change anything in your life?
And what if i left?
How would you feel?

Ultimately no matter what is being said they are just words,
words that please/hurt the receiver.
Words will just be words.

Words are just piece of fragments,

that brings temporary happiness/pain to someone

You asked me to think if this was what I wanted.
Honestly, I have no idea where to start.
I dont believe in ever-lasting love,
I dont believe that a man can be faithful,
I dont believe that good things happen if you prayed for it.
I dont believe that love exists,
I dont belive in everything.
Then why am I holding on to this love?
Praying like a fool that this is an exceptional case?
And to find out that in the end that my predictions are right.

Everytime I want to know a little more about you,
I start to ponder again.
What right do I have to know?
Everytime I want to spend a little more time with you,
I think,
Am I entitled for this benefit?
Everytime I want to love you a little more,
people start to pull me back.
Why?
Do they see something that I dont?
Do they realise something that I dont wish to admit?

I dont know,
I'm tired.
Thats all I know right now.
I need a break.
A break from reality.
A break from my own life.

2010-06-03T01:46:00.002+08:00

OMG there is so much things I want to buy right now,
and this is the first thing on my wishlist.
Chanel Purete Mat Shine Control Powder SPF 15 ($75).

I just dont have that kind of money to be spending
on such expensive makeup right now.

Tried this today and seriously the coverage is very good.
Use it only for touch up purposes and of course
after your foundation + concealer.
It is very light and its totally not cakey unless you take
the whole thing and slap it onto your face.

Saw this lady today at the chanel counter and we were
exchanging or rather she was teaching me a thing or 2 about makeup
and her beauty secrets.
She had very good practically flawless skin and the main secret is
DRINK LOADS OF WATER..
with alot of other hydration, masks, etc etc..
and she recommended me to try Christian Dior's powder as it is much
better as it blends into your skin tone, making it even more natural.
She told me to go barefaced one day to try it out.
BUT before i can do that, i have to ensure that my bank has sufficient cash.
which now im totally broke.

I still have other things to buy like a new laptop which i

totally have no idea howi will be able to afford it now.
A holga or a blackbird ( I know it has been so long but its just a temptation )

Follow me blackhead remover, heard its really good
Dead sea facial products esp their mud mask,

cuz apparently they detoxify your skin pretty well.

went to SIM today to apply for UB's double major in

communicaation and psychology
BUT ms chang says that its only so-so,

which made me think if i was making the right choice or not.
But doesnt matter, most important thing now is to just get a degree.

Going down to apply for another "job" with amin tml
for medic position during yog.
$25/hr. I wont even mind taking the 16 or 20 hr shift.
I really desperately need to start saving and desperately need money!!
applied another job near my house and i really hope i can get it, cuz its just 10 mins away.
and best of all.. its an evening job meaning that i can work after my study.
praying hard that i can get a job.

2010-06-01T22:19:00.000+08:00

It all boils down to
how important you are
to that special someone in
your heart.

2010-05-30T01:55:00.001+08:00

p.s. Thanks love for all the attention

that you have given me despite all the

things you are going through now.

2010-05-30T00:41:00.002+08:00

The school which created my childhood.
Thinking back at the times, i really do miss it alot.

The P.E lessons, the chior, ochestra and band lessons. They are just memories that will stay with me throughout.

Had a chat with a friend today,
started to miss her real bad and the times we spent in the past.
We were reminiscing about the time I stayed over at her house and her mum cooked pig trotter for us.

The stayovers at Amanda's and the best mudcakes in the whole entire world which is made by her dear granny. But granny passed away a few years ago. And her cat, Velvet, which I hated so much. The quarrels I had with her because of kyle. It was really hillarious.

And the carwash, raking leaves and shovelling snow that we would do just to earn that extra allowance. The snowball fights with the whole entire neighbourhood involved. The hanging out after school at my house. Those were really the days.

Now when I look at all of them, everyone has changed. Everyone is moving forward. Amanda is doing archeology, Christine doing law, Rina working at school, Seil in the army, Kazuki in Japan's top University and the list continues. And the most shocking is to find that my dear friend Kachina has a baby boy. It suddenly occurred to me that I dont have that much time left. Everyone I know is finishing their degree and yet I haven even started. I feel so ashamed of myself seriously. And during graduation when this girl had straight distinction and passed out with a GPA of 4.0. I felt really horrible inside. I knew i could have done better but I didnt.

But its ok, I still have one more chance and this time round I want to excel. I want to do something which will make myself proud. Proud that I am able to achieve something in life. I mean that's life right? Moving forward.

Was at home today googling for a few private schools which offer psychology. And in the end i have decide to go with SIM's double major in psychology and communications under University of Buffalo. I wouldn't mind going to UB during my 3rd year. Isnt that the dream of the majority? To live in the big apple. I love to travel, I love psychology and I love mental health and definitely I love action. So right now I really dont know what I want. But I know in order to mould my future, I have to take the 1st step, which is get a degree.

2010-05-29T01:55:00.002+08:00

Finally bought the heels that I was eyeing since last year.
I know its abit out of fashion and its not really nice,
but it has alot of straps meaning that it will cover up the boneyness of my feet.

Although i have been eyeing the pair from pazzio for also a long time,
but that pair is super ex, around $79.90.
It's not like I open a bank so i'm not going to spend that much on heels at the moment.
Maybe next time when I marry a millionaire.

Recently have been spending quite alot on shopping,
with denim skirt from zara,
top from forever 21,
sandals from gap,
makeup from benefit,
and heels from image turn.

However,
there is more stuff to be bought
once my paycheck is here.

2010-05-28T00:39:00.005+08:00

Where am I to find the keys to open up the door to your life?
The one that is invisible to the world,
but which you hold on so tightly on to.

Every time I take a step closer, you close the door tighter.
Every time I try to understand, you brush my concerns away.
Every time I try to care, you seem so indifferent.

Tell me what I can do to make you feel better,
to take away all of your pain and sorrows.
To give you nothing but happiness and love.

Why is it that God likes to play games on us,

to see us suffer in our own fate.
To let us drown in our own misery and pain.
Where is Ero,
the one who is suppose to make everything better.
Ero,
where have you disappeared to?

2010-05-26T22:54:00.004+08:00

Finally i gradated from poly. haha.. never regret going today. managed to take a few photos with my besties and some teachers..

Realised that i do miss nursing life and that this 3 years has passed so fast. all the kissing of manekins, the exams, the little notes before tests, the sleeping and skipping classes.. the luxury of enjoying time.. now when i enter the work force, i cant take as much mc as i like, cant skip work cuz i dont want to wake up. haha.. all those nonsense.. life is starting to change and i hope that i will be ready for what is to come..

another thing i have been thinking recently is trust.. why is it so hard to trust someone? you tell me that you dont trust i can take care of myself.. then if i cant take care of myself, how did i manage to survive all these years? just of one mistake and you condamn that i cant take care of myself. isnt that being a little too much?

As time pass, i realise that the past is reviving itself, unrolling itself infront of me again.. all the things that i were running from, all the things that i did not want to face are all coming back again. why? testing my patience or testing the love? i really dont understand why life has to be so complicated. cant everyone just be happy and enjoy life?

a friend told me today how much they wanted to be single again. haha.. then i started to think. being single sometimes have its benefits. no worries, no obligations, no headache, no saddness, no heart pain no nothing. but when you are single, there will be no one there to lend you a shoulder, to hug you close when you are down or cold, to love you with all they have.. that is why the saying exist, " the grass is always greener on the other side" How green is it no one truely knows because when they are there, they will think the new pasture opposite is greener.. this just shows how shallow life is and how uncontented people are with life..

but sometimes its hard to be contented dont you tink? when you just want something really bad and its there for u to enjoy but its not really yours. how contented can you force yourself to be? this is life, not matter what there is nothing genuine about it.. everything is fake, everything is a lie, everything is made up and everything is forced.

2010-05-25T23:52:00.002+08:00

Love has taken off yet again. how will i survive this one week without him by my side? hmm.. i think i can survive pretty well.

how come the sudden change? im not sure either, but yes i still have those rollercoaster moments but im learning. learning to be more independent so that love can concentrate more on his career.

wanted to surprise him today at the airport but in the end still couldnt give him the card that i wanted to give. a little disappointed cuz i could have asked him to tell the group that he needed to go toilet and i could just pass to him.. all i wanted was to pass it to him, no need for other frilly stuff like hugs and stuff..

talking about surprises, love actually gave me a surprise i would never forget. haha.. its those surprise you dont know whether to feel angry or sad or happy those type. but nonetheless, love thanks for putting in so much effort into giving me this surprise. i really appreciate it alot. and i want to keep appreciating you and all the things you have done to keep me by your side.

i know i am not exactly the easiest person to handle especially when my emotions are concerned, but bravo to you. still cant believe that you have so much patience with me.. but promise me k, dont be like "papa" your bro and ignore me..

p.s. i hope that with each passing day, our love will grow and that the mutual trust and understanding between us will be stronger. i really hope i have the chance to grow old with you and give you little commandos. can i?

2010-05-21T21:56:00.002+08:00

back from krabi safe and sound. it was sooo much fun. thanks love for always bringing me to places.

when we first reach krabi airport i though, "huh? this is an airport?" it was seriously worse than the one in chennai.. i was really amazed.

this was a really great trip, it was like my virginity trip u noe.. sounds wrong but dont think it in the wrong way. cuz you see.. it was the 1st time i snorkelled despite being afraid of such a big open space as well as school of fishes. 1st time i was stung by a non-poisionous jellyfish. 1st time i road on a speed boat and it was a hell of a ride.. 1st time getting carried to shore by my baywatch bodyguard.. 1st time i drove a motorbike but meanie love didnt dare sit on it. hurmp.. lucky he didnt cuz i crashed the bike.. lucky the bike was ok if not extra charges.. haha.. 1st time i drove an AVT.. overturn it while i was making a sharp turn.. lucky nothing happen to me.. and my fav. which was the main highlight of this trip was the WHITE RIVER RAFTING.. it was the most fun thing that i have ever done.. the most exhilerating thing i have ever done in my whole life. and we also kayak around hong island.. and i did help love kayak ok.. cept that my tiny little arms gave way and i got tired.. but i did help paddle.. despite cracking the tip of the paddle.. haha.. i guess im just too accident prone..

but still nonetheless, you dont have to worry about me cuz i can take care of myself ok. so all you gotta do is work hard and earn more money to support ur fat tummy.. :P

aniways just came back from ip man 2 with love.. like finally right.. and OMG. donnie yan is super uber hot.. he is just on the same wavelenght with my johnny depp..

now i feel that love is loving me more and more.. maybe cuz of my new hair.. haha.. but really when he looked at me with those eyes just now.. my heart just smiled.. and i realise at that point how much i wanted to be part of his life.. 3 mths down the road, 8 mths, 1 yr, 5 yrs, will i still be part of his life? i really dont know. but all i know is that right now, i dont even want to waste any second spent with him cuz time with him is already limited enough. and i just wanna treasure every milisecond of it. but then during the trip he so fierce.. glared at me twice and tsk me twice.. i will never ever forget that.. super scary.. there are also things in the trip that i wished i didnt remember but i know that impossible unless i suffer a concussion now. haha.

2010-05-13T09:14:00.002+08:00

everyone tells me that.. tells me that this is not real and that it will just end in tears and misery. But you know something, i decided that even if its going to end in tears, the process is going to be a beautiful one.

these few days of neglect from you made me wonder if i am able to spend this type of life. the type where you have time then will call me. i realised that i can but for long? not sure. but all i need is for you to just tell me that you will be busy at work because why why why, and im okay. dont just suddenly disappear. for that, i will kill you. hahaha.

i believe in you. i believe in us. i believe that this will all work out and give me an equation = happy ending. i seriously believe in that. from the way you tell me how much i mean to you, how much you love me and how much you care. i do believe. even if its just words. but logically speaking, if i dont matter to you at all, you could jolly well pack your bags and leave but you decided to bunk in awhile longer. thats cuz you simply love me. and that answer is enough.

cuz love, you matter alot to me too :)

2010-05-09T20:15:00.000+08:00

that's all i need right now.. a hug to know that everything will be fine..

2010-05-09T14:29:00.002+08:00

yep this is what i feel everyday at this point in time. its so contradicting. i believe in this but there is still another thing as being true to yourself.

so since if i want to be true to myself shouldnt i say what i feel instead of thinking what i want to say?

but its hard, sometimes when you say too much, all you bring to the other party is irritation and stress. then you will start to ask yourself, why am i doing all these? why am i giving so much unhappiness to the other party when all you want is for them is to be happy and feel loved. but when you dont say, you will tend to keep everything inside of you and this in turn cause you to be unhappy.

so now ask yourself. what is your choice? would you rather gulp down all the unhappiness and things you want to say or would you rather be true to yourself and risk the one who you care so much to be unhappy.

but no matter what choice you choose in the end, just remember you are incharge of your own happiness.

2010-05-09T01:14:00.002+08:00

i really do and that is how much i miss you.

2010-05-07T23:31:00.004+08:00

its time to say goodbye..

goodbyes to the things that never belonged..

goodbyes to the times when i felt safe..

goodbyes to all the happiness that i once felt..

goodbyes to all the love we once shared..

goodbyes to all the memories that we shared.

goodbyes to all the resting on shoulders..

goodbyes to all the bloster hugs that we love..

goodbyes to all the time which i save for you..

in short.. its time to say goodbye to a fantasy which dont belong..

2010-05-07T16:35:00.004+08:00

happened to chance upon this guy.. nick vujicic.. after watching his video on youtube, i cant help but want to give him a tight hug. for a guy without hands nor legs, and yet can be so optimistic about life. honestly, i feel so ashamed by myself.

in the video he said, " people always think about what they want and what they dont have, they never think about what they really have." so now my turn to ask myself.. " what do i really have?" A family, my baby, a shelter, basic necessities, etc.. then why am i asking for so much in life?

the best answer for that is simply greed. everyone has greed somewhere in their dna, its just a matter of material, emotional, physical etc.. for me its emotional. why? maybe cuz i felt that all my life i was alone, that i had no one to depend on.. and once i did, i was hurt. something along that line i guess.. thats why i think i suffer from some emotional imbalance where i want to depend yet afraid to get hurt. i mean you cant have it both ways, either you do or you dont.. choice is yours.

had a chat with my collegue today and she enlighten me. haha.. i told her if i were to marry a man.. i will make sure that he will be there during the whole 9 mths of my pregnancy and will wake up in the middle of the night and satisfy my cravings. haha.. she laughed and said, " you think you are in some dreamland? this is reality, there is no guy in this world who will do that unless he loves you alot alot alot.. and usually these guys are rare and extinct." after hearing that i started to think am i still in the fairytale relationship, looking for romance? according to her younger generations like me look for romance, while older guys tend to focus more on work.. she told me that to guys who are older, they dont have the time or feel there is a need to msg or call everyday. its not like you have a million and one things to say to each other.. true but still.. if they dont call you in the

beginning of the rs wont you think that they dont love you?

i guess generation is important and the age gap between you and your SO cant be too drastic or else there is generation gap. and if there is i guess both party have to do their part. the younger one has to be more matured whereby the older one has to have more patience and explaining and letting the younger one understand what is right and wrong and why are things the way they are. if in the beginning of a relationship, both party cant understand each other, how the hell will it last..

2010-05-06T18:53:00.002+08:00

how would you ever know the person who loves you the most is the one standing right infront of you?

i guess i dont but i know that love is not my cup of tea. dont like the way i love a person, the way that i care for a person. it just seems so wrong. the care that i give is just a burden to the other party. if that is the case, should i stop loving?

talked to him today about what i feel, i know that i am irritating him more these days and the my mood and emotions are getting unstable by the day. i know. but what can i do?

after today i realise that sometimes talking doesnt help. that talking is just going round in circles until both parties agree on a specific point. that talking is just a waste of time. what is the point in talking when there is no ending? where there is no change/result? what is the point in thinking so much when there is no point. when the facts are laid in alphabetic orders right before your eyes and yet all you want to do is overlook everything. if that is the case why bother looking at the facts in the first place.

why cant i get a grip on myself? why cant i stop putting burden on other people? why cant i just grow up? by being matured in love, does it mean that both of you dont have to always talk as long as both of you know that you love each other. is that enough? but how do you know when in the beginning you all dont even talk. suddenly dont see the point in love or life. dont see why people, namely me, have to over think about everything.

what happened to being happy with the person who you loves is the only thing that matters? is that even realiable, that thought of just being happy. by just being happy and that nothing else matters is a immature thing. cuz it doesnt exist. love compromises of alot of things and not just happiness. and that day will come when you realise there is no more happiness in your love life, what happens next? what will be the next thing that you can hold on to? memories? what if you have alziemers and forget everything? feelings? feeling fades with time..

so what is it that makes you want to hold on to that ONE relationship?

2010-05-05T19:55:00.001+08:00

hate being sick..

2010-05-05T14:06:00.003+08:00

thinking back that the time when you cared, at the times when everything seemed so real.. it does bother me abit i guess.. cuz right now i have problem differienatiting what is real and what is fake.

does wanting a status necessarily means bad? does that make me greedy? selfish? am i selfish by wanting him to be only mine.. by not sharing him with anyone out there.. or does it show that i love him too much for him to leave? still ends with selfishness.. humans are selfish by nature.. right?

times when i feel like leaving.. feel like just letting go.. i cant.. feel like just being the old me.. the one who doesnt have the whole world staring at her.. just want to go back to the period in time when i was just invisible.. but that's impossible.. the world is moving and i just gotta learn how to keep up with it..

thinking about how much she matters to you still aches my heart a little.. sometimes it just feels like putting iodine on an open wound.. sometimes a slap on the face.. but most of the time it feels like a lifeless soul within me.. makes me feel that i have lost my conscience, my rights to be a good person.. makes me feel so horrible inside.. a wrecker, a destroyer or whatever you wanna call it..

so why am i still continuing this destroyer's path? materialistic gains? the feeling of showing off? the freshness of a new relationship? or simply just love? is that possible to continue because of the word love? when love is the one thing that doesnt last in this world.. one thing that is so dangerous to hold on to.. is it still possible?

2010-05-02T23:25:00.003+08:00

tml will be the 1st day without him in my life again.. i dont know how i will ever survive that 24 hrs and counting.. suddenly i feel my world has shattered into a million pieces.. and the screen infront of me is blurring with every word i type.. i dont know what have i done.. i am starting to regret everything i have just said.. but i know there is nthing i can do to take those words back.. there is no turning back..

2010-05-01T23:46:00.002+08:00

Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
You're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
Is already in my life?
Right in front of me
Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

.......................................

so what is a soulmate? A fated person to play a certain role in someone else's life? but how do you find a soul mate.. according to wikiHow, it says..

1. be the person you would love to love.. then i think to myself.. would i want to love me? hmm.. tough question.. actually no i would not want to love me.. cuz im irritating.. i cant think.. i think too much.. its too mentally draining to be with someone like me.. actually its just tiring to just be me..

2. rmb that your soulmate might not be what you expect them to be..

3. be patient... this is something that i can never achieve.. i give up at the slightest stuff.. i give up when i sense no hope.. cuz i am afraid.. afraid of being hurt..

4. Accept people for who they are, not who you want them to be... hmm.. do i achieve that? not sure..

5. Weather the storms.. i guess i can do that? not sure.. not much storms before..

so am i ready for a soulmate?

2010-05-01T23:12:00.002+08:00

went out with my lovelies today.. argh.. feet pain.. toe pain.. totally going to throw my pair of heels.. but abit heart pain to throw it away cuz its the only heels i have.. at least must find another pair first.. saw one at pazzio ( is that how u spell it ) but its sooo expensive.. if i buy, 1/4 of my pay cheque will fly along with it.. still considering.. thou its really nice and it does make my legs look longer and thinner.. maybe cuz of what i wear today.. cant believe i look so matured today.. i think i was mad to wear smthing lk that.. but ok la.. once in a while.. hehe..

met hz today at far east.. saw a really nice nice nice nice nice very nice dress.. after discount 42.90.. no money to buy also.. but its really nice. a simple little black dress.. sleeveless with shoulder padding.. but one thing not good is that its short.. hahaha.. its slightly shorter then the one i wore today.. but its really nice.. and special thing is the back.. but anyways.. just bought a bracelet today.. quite nice.. hahha.. anyways went back to the shop i bought the couple ring last time.. still think the designs are special.. haha..

aniways had a longgggg talk with my dear hui zi and guess it time to grow up.. fantasies dont exist in this world, only reality.. and reality is that i am what i am so just have to act like what i am.. its just like dont be a rose when you are just a daisy.. just gotta face reality thats all..

after that went to blue mountain cafe at 313 to meet that ms fly kite (aka ying ).. she was super late and it was super pai seh to sit there and wait for her.. hahah.. but ok la.. the coffee there was not super WOW.. just normal.. but super happy.. finally got the maggie from indonesia.. hehe.. thx ying.. after that wanted to go look for heels but couldnt find any more.. so in the end took train home.. but ended up talking with ying then went to paya lebar to drink coffee bean and chit chat.. had super much fun talking to her.. and make me think alot also.. but it was fun.. and you still owe me ok.. my big abalone and shark fin meal.. by next countdown.. so you can prepare for it le.. wwahahah..

talking about countdown.. i think every year countdown i would count with my one and only yi wei.. heheh.. so yi wei.. this year.. keep it for me also k.. hahaha.. i book u le.. bleh.. then we shall go downtown again n ur hse slpover.. hahaha.. as usual..

been thinking about something lately.. smthing which have been bugging me for sometime already.. but what is the point in thinking when there is no answer? or when you have the ans but dont want to face up to it? then there is no point. and another thing.. why do people still want to walk on that string which has so many loops..

maybe cuz.. the grass is always greener on the other side.. so when the grass becomes dull do you go and look for a greener pasture? or do you stick to that bald patch of field?

2010-04-28T21:15:00.003+08:00

haha.. he is finally back.. when i saw him my heart stopped beating.. my chest felt tight and i felt like fainting.. no words could describe what i am feeling inside.. like my desires have finally appeared infront of my after so many days.. STOP!! is that what you were expecthing me to say?? wahahha.. well too bad.. its not.. hahahah..

he is an irritating idiots.. hahah.. he reached at around 9 but only contacted me at around 10.. that 1 hr is soo infuriating.. and when he called.. he said.. " im reaching ur hse in 3 mins.. ok.. bb" like wth.. hahaha.. how am i suppose to react to that.. so of cuz i rushed down la but still exceeded the 3 mins.. haha.. but still miss him like mad, that's still a fact.. even now im missing him.. i dont know why.. just love having him by my side.. too gluey already.. cannot cannot.. must detech myself from the other pea in the pod.. if not i will start to rot as well..

suddenly im thinking my job aint that bad.. at least my boss approves of my leaves.. this shows how insignificant my job is.. babies are coming in.. and for the past 2 days i have been playing with nursery kids.. ok la.. its not that bad.. the kids are cute.. ok.. at least 2/3 are.. but on the 2nd day when i was going home they all say bb to me.. and all so happy and love them to bits n pieces too.. esp the 2 cute ones that i love soo much..

i dont even know why i ask for the leave when the trip is not settled.. haha.. at least if we are not going on the trip then i can cancel my leave.. haha.. we shall see..

missing him already n it has only been like what.. 7 hrs.. im really mad... gotta keep myself busy..

2010-04-25T17:05:00.002+08:00

i realised in life, people will only pick on what you have done wrong but hardly praise you when you do something right. why is that so? why do people tend to judge you base on your actions and of what they think is deem right? i mean there is always 2 sides to a coin so why do you have to judge and think that what you say is always right? just cuz you are a christian doesnt mean that your beliefs are right as well.. im not religionist but i think that its unfair.. everyone has different way of finding love and who is to judge in love..

i understand that my situation may appear to be on the more serious and dangerous side and you may care like a friend but arent you the same? dont you also like someone who is attached? then who are you to preach as well?

i seriously feel that the world is getting harsher by the min.. more cruel with every step that i take in life.. there is no one you can depend on when times go bad, no one to hold on to when you need someone.. everyone is leading their own lives with their other half so who am i to ask for their time? i seriously have to learn to stand on my own feet and be independent and less emotional and be more alone..

2010-04-24T20:49:00.002+08:00

i know i have been working for just 1 week and its unfair to judge whether the job is suitable or not, but so far this week was crap for me.. what is it with teaching 3-4 mths old babies about texture and stuff.. its not like they will understand.. maybe i just dont understand babies.. honestly i rather take care of the aged cuz they will reply me when i talk to them.. i think it is easier or maybe i just prefer working in hospital environment.. i dont know..

feeling the temptation to quit my job actually.. yes part of it is due to the thailand trip.. i guess it has always been my weakness to travel.. so why arent i in the travel line? i have no idea.. maybe i just like to travel and not make it a routine? the irony in life.. but seriously this nursing job has made me supress the major emotions like grief and compassion.. i no longer have and know how to feel these emotions in my life anymore.. sometimes that just makes me feel like i am a living zombie.. when i see children get hurt due to things that they do i have no compassion in saying "are you ok?" i know im sounding like an asshole.. but i am serious.. i seriously prefer caring for those who needs it.. i know you may say, " but they are only kids, they also need protection and care." true but they have alot of people to care for them unlike those who yearns for love and concern and yet recieves none..

i guess ever since that incident during my prcp i changed alot.. i changed the way that i percieve life.. i no longer take it as seriously but just as it is.. ever since what happened i realised that life is really too short and you have absolutely no idea what the future have installed for you. so rather than living my life in the mopping manner that i use to, i rather just take everything that comes in my direction and learn from it.. cuz from what i know i might be gone tml.. and when i am will i make any difference? everyday someone is born and someone goes.. when will it be my turn i have no idea but all i know is since right now i have the chance to live.. i want to make a difference in someone's life.. do something that at least when i am gone i will be remembered.. not anything big like florence nightingale or ghandi but someone small.. as long as my intentions are known i am happy as i am..

sounds like alot of crap but i guess this was what i was feeling for sometime now and i finally can think straight and just be happy with what i have.. all those things that worries me in my love life.. yes they still come and go and get on my nerves at times but i believe that if its meant to be it will be.. so i guess all i have to do is have a little more faith.. cuz without it.. life is meaningless..

2010-04-22T18:14:00.002+08:00

today seemed like a bad day.. went to work today and opened up the blinds as usual.. then after that waited for my partner in crime to come b4 washing the containers that were soaked for a day.. think it ended around 10 plus.. after that print stuff, cut stuff, laminate and cut again.. etc etc.. that my work life.. such a bore.. hope the babies start to come in soon, but still when they come i will be stressed cuz the mum will be like staying for 3 days and seeing my each n every move.. stressed!!! had lunch.. not that fantasic.. but the soup is nice.. haha.. but its a free meal so i shall not complain.. then boss asked me to work OT.. dont even noe got extra pay not.. i should you noe.. moving the shelves here and there.. climbing up and down the ladder, pasting this n that, hanging this n that.. tiring manual labor.. luckily there was KFC's egg tarts to tide me over..

after OT decided to take bus back home.. wrong wrong wrong decision.. by the time i reached my hse nearby the bus stop.. it was heavily raining.. flooded above my ankles.. in short i was totally drenched.. it was soo cold, hate rain and wind.. they are a bad combination.. which reminded me of the time after dinner at bebbis and u gave me ur jacket cuz i was cold.. hahah.. u told me that u did that so i would rmb you.. well i do.. and so?? it doesnt help me one bit cuz im missing you and you are not here to shield me from the rain and bad stuff.. not here to protect me.. this shows that to be the woman by ur side.. i cant depend much on you cuz ur never around.. i have to really be there for myself.. but still love it when you care..

2010-04-19T15:22:00.003+08:00

finally start my new job today.. quite boring cuz its not in operation yet.. so all i did today was climb up and down ladders.. label stuff.. stick stuff and wash this and that.. feel damn like a nanny.. not so tiring but 830 everyday will kill my sleeping routine.. hahaha.. but at least i finish at 1230.. which means time for a new job.. need 2 part time jobs now.. so that at least i will have enough for home and enough for personal use.. if not i donno how in the world im gg to settle the bills.. headache.. and my cousin's bill?? from jan until now.. haven pay.. keep telling me that will pay will pay.. if u will pay how come company no record tt u have paid?? if this keeps going on im just gg to cancel the line.. n pay for everything.. tt beats waiting around each mth thinking if you paid or not..

1 more week.. no more late night msn with you since my job is starting.. going to miss that as well.. hardly any contact.. but oh well.. gotta get used to it sooner or later.. that's why i need one more job.. with more job at least i can distract myself from thinking about you.. yep.. must work hard in not thinking and missing you..

2010-04-17T14:18:00.008+08:00

as days pass and with you running around my mind, i cant help but to miss you more and more with each day. being with you is like a human rollercoaster, being happy one minute and emoing the next. but this is life and i am enjoying each second of it. please dont be angry that i am always emoing cuz that is how i handle my emotions. dont say i am gulible cuz it makes me feel like i am the world most stupid person. haha. but at least i know i'm smart to have found someone who will always be there to protect me - you.

love, dont be jealous about other people cuz you know that no matter what happens you will be the person that i want to turn to. you will always be the person i want to share every detail of my life with if only you dont mind.

woke up in the afternoon today and went to the library to return the books to realise that my fines built up to $10.65. wanted to look for more books to borrow but the book there are really speechless.. nothing at all. so in the end walked home.. suddenly it started to rain but luckily was quite near my house so at least didnt become a drench chicken.. haha.. found my horrifying hp bill when i came home after that.. have to settle this also.. spent too much ever since i came back with my snb cert etc etc.. another thing which pissed me off is my cousin's hp bill.. i cant believe she have not paid the bill since january and its like april now.. she keeps telling me that she will pay and she will settle.. if by the end of the month and i really never recieve it i think i will just cancel her line and pay all the charges.. i cant be monitoring her bill every single month..

today is mama bday and her friend treated us to dinner.. we went to orchard plaza for dinner.. a sumo resturant.. the portion are really huge and its really nice.. especially the chicken and the hotpot.. its really nice.. and the tuna belly.. starts to drool again.. haha.. but its not very cheap but for 7 people i guess its alright.. after dividing i guess its not that bad..

i dont know.. i feel that my attitude towards my dad is getting worse with each day. i dont know.. its just i feel he is an eyesore u know.. he can just sit there and do nothing and i just cant stand it.. just now my bro say he wants to go to US in june.. how i wish i can go with him.. to the place where i miss soo much.. the place where i feel like home.. aniways he wants to go there to look for job.. but for me if given a chance i want to leave singapore.. i know its so contradicting cuz it was because of me that everyone came back and now i want to leave.. leave everything here.. i donno, i guess its a dream for me.. when i see the difference between western and asian culture i know for sure that i dont want my kids to grow up in a stressful country.. maybe im just thinking too much for now..

Our problems are man-made, therefore they may be solved by man.

No problem of human destiny is beyond human beings.

- John F. Kennedy -

2010-04-15T19:02:00.003+08:00

suddenly a the sinful aura fills the air that i am breathing in.. i know what i am doing is wrong.. what is happening is wrong.. then why am i doing it? why am i believing that things will change?? there is a saying that says.. a real man cleans up one mess before creating another.. sounds true enough to believe.. haha..

should i stay or should i go? should i trust or should i doubt?? i dont know.. actually i do know what i should do.. what is the right thing to do.. but.. maybe im just running from reality.. there is so many things that can happen.. what if it involves the life of someone innocent.. what should i do?? life is not as easy.. its not just i want than thats it.. there are consequences.. if this can happen in one mess.. it can happen in another.. i dont know what the hell im talking about.. its just suddenly there are so many signs that are appearing infront of me telling me to go the right path..

arghh... time time time.. time is never enough.. time is just horrifying.. time is just arghh.. the world never stops turning.. so why do people stop and wait?

aniways.. yst went back to the pub.. miss the people there.. miss man, sharon, aisha.. everyone.. didnt get to see some either.. but oh well.. may visit again.. depending.. dont want to see that bitch.. looking forward to 1st sat of may.. cant wait for it to come.. found a job today.. so im finally and offically EMPLOYED!! hahaha.. calls for a celebration.. wahahha.. its a childcare centre... 8/hr.. ok la.. at least im paid.. nothing to be sad about.. hahaha.. now just praying real hard that my application gets through.. cant wait to start uni life.. campus life.. sound so exciting.. all the ccas to choose from.. maybe sports?? maybe rider's club?? volleyball?? diving?? still must wait until i get accepted first.. if not.. i really gotta find other alternatives..

2010-04-14T01:40:00.003+08:00

in a few more hours you will be flying off with your next group.. 2nd time today that you rejected my calls.. hmm.. think there will be more to come.. aniways.. just wanted to wish you a safe journey..

wishing for thing that will not happen.. it tiring.. will i still have the energy?? not sure..

2010-04-13T21:28:00.002+08:00

finally back in singapore.. a place where it seems familiar yet foreign.. finally back to a place where i have to face reality.. there is so much on my mind when i am alone.. when he is not by my side..

thinking about when things will end and when it will start.. thinking about where i stand.. today i met up with babe and her bf.. went from sch to sgh to ttsh.. then he came.. came to meet me at novena.. i was so happy.. when he called.. though it was late.. and everytime my phone ring i was hoping it was him.. when it finally was i cant tell you how happy i was.. even if it was just a simple "hello how are you." i felt bad when he had to send me home due to the heavy rain.. i know it made him late to go m'sia.. sorry love.. make you worry for me.. hope i didnt cause you much trouble.. and thanks for caring for me.. thanks for everything and take care.. sounds familiar?? hahaha..

right now.. i know i sound stupid and no one will pity me if this course changes into an undesirable direction.. maybe i am running from reality.. maybe i am running from the truth that stands infront of me.. will he be mine?? will he go back to where he is suppose to be?? and if he is gone, what will i do?? i really dont know.. all i know is that now i love to be by his side.. love being in his embrace.. love everything about him.. love the way he looks when he is tired and irritated (though sometimes when he tsk me i feel hurt but i understand its not intentional).. i just love being with him.. love superglueing myself to him 24/7 (may irritate u at times also).. even if in the end he is not mine.. at least i had one of the best time in my life..

i know this decision is unrealistic but i dont want to lose you now.. i dont want to lose what i have with you.. i dont want to lose those memories that we had.. the 1st quarrel we had.. the 1st of everything i had with you.. but i also don want to hold on to these alone.. i dont want to hold on to nothing.. i dont want to hold on to empty promises.. eleus see, hercules see.. haha.. i rmb what you say.. i rmb all the things you have told me.. the post arguments.. i rmb..

love.. do you rmb where you are in my heart?

2010-04-09T03:55:00.002+08:00

a few more days.. few more days till i will be back in singapore.. will really miss the times here.. these 20 plus days with him.. will miss them all.. what if we go back and everything changes?? hmm i dont know.. but at least i had the time of my life here..

i was really glad i visited venice.. had been my dream since forever.. to visit venice before it all sinks.. today we visited pisa.. loving him more n more each day.. haha.. at pisa we took pictures of the leaning tower and had expensive food again.. with him we are always eating expensive food.. everytime i see the bill it just breaks my heart.. dont like him to spend so much money.. but to him.. money is for spending.. hmm.. today he bought a bag for me.. so expensive.. heart pain again.. but i really like the bag alot alot alot.. thanks love.. and we bought a couple t.. haha.. so cute..

right now.. im in the hotel alone again while he go drinking wit the group.. haha.. hmm.. also good la.. cuz he needs to bond with them too.. cant be with me 24/7 right.. but all the little things he does like holding me close and kissing my head.. love those little stuff he does..

hmm.. going back in a few more days.. so many things to do.. still thinking should i sign with sgh since now is so late.. or should i just get a part time job.. i need to get my transcript urgently and send it to the uni.. pray really hard that i can get in and start uni.. hmm..

2010-04-07T13:53:00.003+08:00

yay.. im sooo excited.. today im going to venice.. the place i wanted to go ever since.. the romantic city.. will it be romantic?? hmm.. we shall see.. but either or, im still really glad to have to chance to go overseas.. thanks love..

lub lub.. all the quarrels we had i dont like.. esp that day when you drank.. but i know quarrels are good for us.. i really enjoy being with you and spending almost one month with you.. starting to learn more about you and i really like it.. loved yst when you just hugged me close.. love that feeling of being by your side.. love walking down the streets of milan with our hands interlaced and music in the background.. made me feel as if i was in some movie scene.. love looking at your silly boy face when you see something you like and that smile really warms me up inside.. so far the the regret i had on the trip was yst when i didnt have the time to turn 3 rounds on the bull testicles and make a wish.. but its ok.. there is still the wishing fountain in rome.. lub lub.. if in the future i have the chance again and if you can bring me overseas again i would.. even if it means going back to the same old place again.. cuz i dont want to give up any chance to be by your side.. but if you dont want to bring me back to the same old places.. its ok.. just make sure when you're back try to leave some time for me k?

really cant imagine i am here right now with you.. feel as if i am really living a dream.. the childhood dream of mine to tour the world with the one i love.. anyways..

venice here i come.. please dont disappoint me.. :)

2010-04-04T16:04:00.002+08:00

at the hotel alone.. its 10am here.. lying here on the bed and a train of thoughts are running through my mind again..

talked to a friend today online, told me alot of stuff.. stuff that i have been hearing since the 1st day.. im still listening but its just i dont want to be affected by it.. its hard.. and i know i should not complain or anything.. but its hard with just words.. tired of words.. tired of empty promises in the past.. i dont want to hang on to any of these again.. hoping for things to happen when clearly it wont.. those feeling just sucks

yea i know what type of guy he is.. what type of situation i am in.. how stupid and ridiculously guillible and navie i am to believe everything he tells me.. but today, 4/4/10 only happens once.. today only come once.. and all i know is that i want everyday to have memories.. something that i can rmb as time pass.. though i do not have a superb memory and tend to forget things easily.. but memories are the only thing in life that one can hold on to.. memories wont betray you.. they wont leave you.. they will always be there for you, whether good or bad..

for those who didnt know.. i decided to extend my trip in europe.. part of the reason is cuz of him.. cuz i want to spend more time with him.. cuz i wanna wake up every morning and he is the 1st face i see.. cuz i wanna go to slp every night knowing that i am safe in his arms.. cuz i wanna be part of his world.. part of who he is.. i know i cant do much for him.. i know im not mentally matured enough for him.. but all i know is i just wanna be with him.. for now that is.. i dont know what will happen tml.. i dont know what will happen when we go back singapore.. i donno how i will feel when he travels again.. i dont know will i feel what i feel when he was in china.. i dont know if i will be stoning there waiting for him every single day.. but one thing i know is no matter how stupid this all sounds.. im not regretting a single bit..

maybe when dating an older guy.. they tend to treat you like a little gal.. sometimes its nice.. when they care for you in a way different from dating someone near your age.. things that arent romantic to him means something to me.. like sitting at the cafe out in the cold, looking at the eiffle tower.. the creme brulee after every meals.. the cutting of food for me.. the making sure i had enough of food and treating me like a coat hanger.. these may mean nothing to him.. but it sure means alot to me.. times we spend talking about stupid things and all the things that happen in each other's lives.. thats my favourite.. cuz im feeling im slowly walking into his life.. walking to be part of him..

though i dont know in the end will things be like what he says.. will we have a future.. will we be anything to each other.. i dont know.. maybe im running away from reality.. maybe this is a dream that i dont want it to end.. at least not yet.. i dont wanna wake up..

2010-04-04T01:38:00.001+08:00

lemons

suddenly these few days have been feeling lemons.. why i also dont know..

2010-03-28T21:08:00.002+08:00

right now in the bus.. waiting to cross the border into france.. forgot where i left off that day regarding this trip.. but i am glad.. im glad i came.. to see the world.. the world i never would have imagined stepping into.. being in switzerland seeing those breath-taking sights.. really make me feel that singapore will not be my final stop.. where you may ask.. i dont know.. this tour is fun.. i guess its true.. a good tour begins with the leader.. but still prefer free and easy.. :x

hmm.. had one of the most interesting dinner yst.. began with the steak with foie gras accompanied with red wine and huge dish of creme brulee.. sounds romantic?? hahahhaha.. the food and ambience is.. but the person.. wahaha.. not really..

maybe what you said is true.. if life was simple.. it would be boring.. but still.. still scared of taking the next step.. sounds stupid.. yes i know.. you asked, "what confirmation would you like".. correct me if i am wrong.. marriage is not the best confirmation.. cuz its just binding 2 people by a piece of paper. and do you need a piece of paper to tell the other party how much you love them? to some marriage is important.. cuz it means that you wana spend your life with them.. but people in marriage can stil have affairs and stuff.. so what does this marriage slip actually signifies??

for eg.. johnny depp.. he did not marry his love, vanessa paradis.. for it will ruin her perfect name.. true to a certain extend.. cuz it will be vanessa paradis depp.. hahaha.. not nice.. but they have been happily 2gether with their kids for so many years.. so i guess it really depends on love and the 2 people that it brings together..

am i wrong to think this way? i mean true.. who doesnt want the cert.. to be legally theirs.. but with time.. love fades.. then what will it be that is binding them 2gether??

2010-03-28T14:36:00.002+08:00

u noe how my blog actually asks.. would you choose someone you love or someone who loves you.. hmm.. right now.. i rather choose someone who loves me more then i love them.. just a piece of thought that i needed to get off my brain now.

2010-03-28T07:01:00.003+08:00

sometimes by asking may not mean you care.. and sometimes by caring doesnt mean you ask.. guess im stuck here yet again thinking about what i should be blogging about now.. what you said about the age gap is true.. there is a gap.. but what francis told me may be quite true now.. age does not matter.. maybe that is true.. but all i noe is that this gap between us is getting wider and wider..

maybe you tink or maybe you really understand me but all i can say is that everything is taking place now.. the numbing process.. the slowing down of everything.. the aching of my heart.. the tearing of my brain.. its all coming in place.. soon.. i mean real soon i might actually have a breakdown..

you know what.. its not the age that matters.. its just.. we are in 2 different worlds.. worlds that will never collide.. like pluto and mars.. they will never collide.. like us.. this wont last.. there is too much that i dont know how to handle.. there is too much of you that i dont know what or how to react to.. everything suddenly just became super complicated..

you tell me that i mean alot to you.. that you really do care.. and that you love me... but know what.. the painful thing is i really cant feel it.. maybe you really do mean it and its just my numbness is taking process.. but i wanna get off.. i need to get off now before my world world comes crashing down upon me.. one experience is enough for me.. i really dont need a 2nd teaching..

i guess im wierd.. fang yann was a simple guy.. with him everything was simple.. little things would make me happy.. just the sight of him popping up on my doorstep.. but when i was with him.. i didnt want this simplicity.. i wanted something out of the ordinary.. now when i actually have something out of the ordinary with you.. i dont know how to handle.. and just wanna be simple..

i guess love is just not my cup of tea.. and its really too hard for me to comprehend stuff and that i really am just tired.. tired of everything..

anyways.. i have reached a decision.. one which i think i will not regret..

2010-03-27T05:50:00.002+08:00

what is this feeling that i am feeling now?? i really dont know... its a mixture of emotions.. something that i really dont like.. makes me wonder who am i actually and what am i.. i really dont know.. there are alot of things that i dont know and wont know for sure.. and i really dont think that there will be a day whereby i am in your life.. maybe you may say that.. but dont you think actions speaks louder than words?

some actions that you may have shown may show that you care.. but care for whom? who am i to you? right now.. im sitting here yet again staring into this blogger screen of mine.. why cant my thoughts just straighten out?? why cant i find the start of my thoughts.. right now.. its just a jumble of stuff.. i know i should not complain about the stuff that has happened and is happening.. but really there is so much inside of me that i need to let out.. but to whom?

suddenly a tear managed to creep out from the corner of my eyes and down my cheeks.. its the 2nd time besides yst that i cried cuz of you.. cuz of this whole situation both present and past.. this is why i decided that at this moment.. i really wish to numb my feelings.. i really dont like rollercoasters right now.. and i really am not in the mood for any rides.. so just let me off? i really dont know what else i cant do to stop falling for you.. suddenly i felt this achy pain in my heart and i really wish it could stop.. i really do.. i really wish everything could just numb itself..

right now you are next to me.. but you know what.. it feels like we are miles apart.. i believe if you really love someone you will be more sensitive to their feelings.. so question now is how much do you love me? do you even know what im feeling inside right now? i really doubt so.. and question to myself.. can i be with an insensitive man? someone who maybe cant even be bothered to ask "what's wrong?"

2010-03-25T06:13:00.003+08:00

my 2nd day in swiss.. hahaha.. 1st day wasnt that bad cept almost got lost but luckily people here are nice despite the language barrier.. managed to reach my hotel after donno how many hours.. mine was the last room.. quite scary.. but managed.. hard to sleep maybe due to the jetlag.. haha.. woke up at around 5am, sg time around 12noon.. haha.. called ying to chat until the sim card has no money.. haha.. it was only a few mins.. but managed to top up at the airport..

1st day with the tour. i realised one of them is from my prcp ward.. hahaha.. hmmmm.. but oh well.. people on the tour are nice.. most of them.. hahaa.. went to really nice places.. but sorta forgot the names.. the 1st was a lake.. called river rhine.. the view is really magnificent.. and the castle above.. just speechless.. really can take your breath away.. had hot cocoa.. not that fantastic.. taste the same as the swiss choco tt i use to drink when i was younger.. :) after that we went to germany.. how cool is that?? hahaha.. went to this cuckoo clock place.. cuckoo clocks are soo beautiful.. thou irritating at times but really a piece of work.. after that we travelled to the black forest. miss the smell of pine trees.. they really perk your spirits up.. no joke.. we went to this resturant in the middle of no where.. behind it were all mountains.. such a secluded place.. but very romantic.. i love the cottage feel of the resturant.. feels very at home.. had this pork knuckles which i could not even finish 1/2.. i swear it huge... really.. had the black forest cake.. with rum.. the rum is not bad.. but i dont like the brandy cherries.. and guess what.. some of the drivers and waiters are really handsome.. hahaha..

aniways going to sleep soon.. out hotel is an old building with old lifts.. really nice.. not magnificent but really nice.. dont know how to describe... shall blog again when i have the time.. maybe tml.. hmm..

2010-03-23T00:13:00.002+08:00

i may be the world biggest fool.. i have decided i will go to swiss without my cousin.. maybe the most stupid decision i have ever made in my whole entire life.. but.. i chose this path..

see y'all when im back

2010-03-22T01:32:00.002+08:00

maybe 1 wk was too much for me to handle.. guess waiting is not my game and maybe one day when you come back u will realise i wun be here anymore..

im tired of waiting for the phone to ring.. waiting online everyday for you to come as you please and talk to me.. tired of being 2nd place..

guess you're not really the guy who is meant for me.. and maybe the sudden decision to go overseas with you is really stupid..

i am done.. done waiting for you to waltz into my life like the 1st day i met you..

2010-03-21T00:59:00.003+08:00

just wanted to share wit you this lyrics of this song which i am currently hooked on now.. feeling exactly like this song.. haha..

Need You Now Lyrics
Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin for the phone cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothin at all

It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without I just need you now

I just need you now

Ooo, baby, I need you now

2010-03-20T18:26:00.002+08:00

arghh.. just fucking pissed off.. i seriously cant take it animore.. enough with the trip frustrations already.. we are just on freaking wavelenght and you cant understand wad the hell im trying to say.. seriously.. is it that hard to plan one freaking trip?? yea i get it.. you're tired of planning but helloo.. i am too ok.. and if i have to see you attitude and go on this trip.. its like gg to piss me off man..

im just rambling my frustrations here.. its like.. i dont understand what is with your attitude.. i know.. he wants me to go and i want to go and you dont know y u are going n u feel like a lightbulb.. but seriously do u tink i will go there n let u be a lightbulb?? if thats realli wad you tink of me.. then i got nthing to say..

end of story

2010-03-20T00:49:00.003+08:00

as i stare blankly into my computer screen, a string of question enters my mind.. what are you doing? have you eaten? are you cold? are you well? do you miss me? and the question just continue to fill this tiny brain of mine.. i want to fall deeper into your world, your life.. but before i do.. is there space in your life to accomodate one more person?

your world seems so preoccupied with work.. i understand work should be first priority and that i should not be selfish.. but i really hope with this tiny heart of mine.. that you could acknowlegde my presense inbtween ur toilet breaks or your smoking break.. even if its a simple "dont wait up for me" makes a huge difference..

so glad that i could hear your voice yet again and see your face even if it was for a short while.. which gets me to my point of hating the phrase, "absence makes the heart grow fonder".. to hell it that.. absences just screws up my mind and my emotions.. it just makes me want you more by my side..

despite the long distance and the minimal contact, i really want to just fly over there now and appear at your doorstep.. giving you the biggest surprise anyone can give you.. falling asleep while watching you do your work.. that a dream that im having now.. just want to be by your side.. like you said.. "glue knows no boundaries." but why am i restricting myself?

why am i stopping myself from falling deeper in love with you.. there is so much that i want to give to you.. so much that i want to share with you.. but i am afraid.. i am afraid that this will just be a dream .. and one day when i wake up.. everything is gone..

what will i do if the day when all the things we shared becomes a speck of dust in this world?

2010-03-18T22:17:00.005+08:00

today seemed like a better day as compared to yesterday.. but we will know only after the clock strikes 12... went out wit my family today and i had a surprise call from someone.. haha.. sounds really silly to be thinking about you the whole day then finally you name pops up.. the first call since sunday.. missed your voice.. miss your face.. miss everything about you that is missable i guess.. feeling exactly like what you described me as.. silly and guillble.. it was really nice that you decided to call while climbing the mountains.. really appreciated it.. despite saying that you will msg later which you didnt.. didnt exactly disappoint me as much as before..

a small smile creeps in at the fact that im talking to you online now while u being drunk .. the fact that you even bother to talk to me rather than go to sleep.. makes me feel that maybe i do have a small tiny space in your life.. i donno.. maybe im over thinking stuff like i usually do..

anyways.. not feeling very well these few days.. having realli bad tummy ache.. n its killing me.. realli need a big hot pack..

2010-03-18T02:23:00.002+08:00

the time now is 0223 hours.. i have been trying to sleep for the past 4 hours or rather the past few days after you have been gone but i cant.. i tried sleeping early.. tried staring at my wall, tried counting sheeps, tried everything possible which can help me just shut my eyes and stop thinking about you.. but it all doesnt work..

just stop it already.. just stop running around in my mind.. stop telling me to think with my heart and not my brain.. i tried and this is how it ends up to be.. its killing me.. this mental countdown every single day is killing me.. waiting for the clock to strike 10pm, waiting for you name to pop up on msn.. and when it doesnt.. i will just psyche myself telling myself that you are busy.. that you are tired.. giving all type of damn excuses that i can find in my brain to forgive you not turning up as expected..

i cant do this everyday.. expecting thing will work out the things they will.. its not possible.. there is just too much in a relationship and too much in love which doesnt make sense.. i cant just sit here and wait for you to come back every single time.. what if one day you dont come back? what am i to do then? what can i do then? i dont want to wait for that day to come when i realise i have fallen too deep for you... cuz from what i know now.. i already have..

i have been turning round in bed for the past 4 hours waiting for my phone to ring.. waiting for your name to appear yet again.. i dare not fall asleep.. im afraid that if i do i'll miss the chance to talk to you.. cuz i know if i miss that chance.. i dont know when i might have it again.. your schedule change faster then the direction of the winds.. your words seems so sincere yet so foreign.. the things you say.. the promises that you have made.. just seem to be hanging on a thread.. a thread that i hold on to as if my life depended on it..

i just cant continue this anymore.. i cant just sit there waiting for you to waltz in and pretend that nothing has happened.. i just cant control my feelings anymore.. please just spare me.. please just get out of my mind.. just stop appearing in it and just leave me alone..

0235hours

2010-03-16T23:31:00.002+08:00

today i had a quarrel.. with my best friend.. its the 1st time in 8 yrs we have ever quarrelled.. the reason of the quarrel maybe a misunderstanding but really.. i really din expect him to have said the stuff that he did.. i feel really sad.. im afraid i may lose this best friend for life but on the other hand his words hurt me alot. people can judge me but not him cuz he knows me too well. but i guess i was wrong to believe in that.. suddenly i just dont know what to believe anymore.. i know he is concerned but things he said doesnt tell me that.. saying stuff like i told you so.. is really not the words that i want to hear at this point in time.. i know what has happened i know but you have to remind me that alright..

i really dont know if this friendship can still last or not.. but i really dont have the strenght to hold on to it anymore.. deep inside of me i feel like crying, feel like giving you a slap in the face, feel like telling you im not what you said.. but i cant.. right now inside of me is just a hollow wall...

2010-03-15T12:50:00.002+08:00

changes are unexpected dont you think so? recently there are so many things in my life that has changed and its worse when i didnt have the time to even absorb one change. well, things that have happened is going to interview but they haven't called me back yet and also being in and out of crushes..

hmm.. crushes.. what can i say about that.. it will disappear as time goes by.. things that happen will just disappear when the time is right.. what is done is done and there is really no point in thinking or harping about it.. dont you think? time can be an angel or a devil.. if you learn from what you have done and what happen n move on, that's when time is an angel.. but if you keep harping n worry about a certain thing that when your life becomes a living hell.. every sec the clock ticks feels like a year has gone past.

this post doesnt seem to make any sense to me what so ever no matter which way i see it.. haaha... but its just something that im suddenly thinking about.. there is always 2 sides to a coin and it all depends on how you interpret your situation.. dont fret cuz life's too short for that.. haha

2010-03-06T02:00:00.020+08:00

finally i'm back from bangkok.. i really miss the food there.. haha.. okok.. shall tell u how i spend my 5 days in bangkok wit my friend, ying ying..

Day 1

after arriving at our hotel i-residence ( its a good hotel, cept you can hear the ppl talking next door and the shower water tends to be cold at times but apart from that, location rocks ). we took the train to our 1st destination..... Jatuchak!!! The waffles were really great, really soft and warm.. and the fishball are really really tiny.. but its really good.. we had guavas too but it suxs and ying fell sick after eating that.. hahah.. other than that, Jatuchak is a MUST go, everything is soooo cheap and the stuff there are good quality.

After that we went to La Phrao night bazzar.. Didnt have much there to buy but the stuff they sell are really cool.. i saw my favourite.. GAME BOY!!! how i miss that era when gameboys were trendy.. haha..

Day 2

we went to Khao San Road to book the tours. we book our tours from this place called mama tours.. this was the only tour that allowed us to go to 3 places in a day.. haha.. so it was pretty cool.. in the end for lunch we settled for this roadside stall for some phad thai and tom yam soup.. the tom yam soup is super delicious.. after walkin in the hot sun at khao san, we decided to head down to chinatown.. maybe the tuk tuk guy brought us to a wrong place cuz the chinatown that we went to sell things like saws, vaccum, blades, etc etc.. so i guess that could be the thieve's market? who knows. in the end we settled for some fishball noodle soup.. i swear its realli nicer than those in singapore.. im really dead serious.. haha.. and this was the day when my dear friend got sick..

Day 3

the day of our tour.. this is the most unforgettable day.. i donno whether its a good thing or not.. haha.. 1st thing when we reached, this thai guy starts telling me how much he loves me.. ok... hmm.. but to cut the whole story short, the 1st stop was floating market.. its a really cool place and really crowded and the boat ride is really fun.. after around 1 hr at the floating market it was time for us to head down to the elephant village ( out of the whole tour only the 2 of us went ). the elephant ride was really a once in a life time experience and the elephant drooled all over my leg.. argh.. but what made me really really mad was when our "driver" asked us to buy some souvieners so that he could feed the elephant and when we refused, he used to the sickle-like thing to whack the elephant's head.. i was soooo angry i almost kicked him down the elephant.. after that.. we went to this war memorial thingy which we din wanan go in, then i tink it was lunch after that.. didnt have time to take pictures cuz i was just tooooo damn hungry.. haha.. after lunch i forgot where we went but in the end we went to the tiger temple.. the one that i was waiting for the whole time.. omg the tigers are soooooo cute.. really try to visit the tiger temple if you get the chance.. although there are reports saying that these tigers are being drugged, i dont know if thats true or not cuz these tigers just laze there.. but if you can, just try to do a single tour cuz with a single tour you can spend more time with the tigers and the tiger cubs.. smthing which i didnt have the chance to.. well the day ended wit me getting kissed on the cheeks by the bus driver.. ahha.. a really wierd day for me.. after being dropped off at khao san, we made our way down to suan lum night bazzar. another place which is a must go.. loveee their pig trotter rice.. just cant get enough of it. hahaha.. and for supper.. we had Mac.. they have pork burger.. its really nice although it taste like the normal hamburgers we have here.. but still nice..

Day 4

shopping shopping n shopping.. we went to pratunam to realise that they only sell office wears and wigs so in the end we spend the whole day at platinum mall.. they sell stuff by wholesale so its really cheap and the stuff there are really nice.. we had alot of food that day also.. 1st was the tom yam noodle soup (not nice), the kway chap with the rolled kway ( not nice also), the shark fin soup (so so ) and KFC (super nice). after that we ended our night at patpong.. it was a WOW.. bars with girls dancing in bikini or is that just bra n undies. then they keep asking if we wanted to watch ping pong show.. just google what is ping pong show and you will be amazed.. apparently we did not watch it and we took that time to go for 2 hr thai massage.. omg.. that massue is sooooooooo irritating.. she kept chanting "tip tip tip tip tip" behind me.. n just cuz she chanted.. i walked off.. hahahaha

Day 5

nothing much.. this was the day we came back to singapore.. but nontheless we still shopped at siam center.. not a bad place to shop but quite small.. but its ok.. although this trip we went to places like MBK and other shopping malls but honestly, i prefer the markets much much better.. aniways really had fun during this trip and felt bad cuz my friend got sick in the end after the trip n lost her voice.. :x

2010-02-24T23:07:00.003+08:00

hmm.. what did i do today?? i went to exchange money for my bangkok trip, like finally.. hahaha.. so excited to go to Bangkok and im praying real hard my fren doesn ditch me at the last minute.. bought some stuff for the trip as well.. really enjoyed the time wit myself today.. actually being alone isnt as scary as i thought it would be.. its sorta calming in fact.. after that went to granny's hse.. loveeee her to bits n pieces.. hahaha.. finally after sooooooo many mths of eating outside food i finally get to eat some home cooked food.. one word to sum it up.. DELICIOUS.. hahaha.. another thing i realised.. generation do change.. i rmb the time when i use to play the card game "donkey".. it was a picture of this donkey's face and now instead of that being it donkey, that became 'the ice-cream man' like ..... ok... then instead of having one donkey.. they have 2.. whats the point of having 2 donkey's in the game.. hahaha.. how i miss my childhood days.. if only im able to rmb most of it..

hmm.. why do i have this wierd feeling inside of me.. a feeling that i cant explain.. was talking to a friend today during work and i realised how much i need to know about myself and what i need in life.. when i heard that she n her bf had plans to go overseas for good in a few yrs time made me realise wasnt that my goal as well?? then why am i changing my goals just to be with someone who im not sure if he's the one... shdnt i find one who works together wit me to reach that same goal? hmm.. well lets leave it to fate.. haha..

2010-02-21T22:33:00.002+08:00

today's post is just going to be thoughts that just come out of my brain.. i really need to straighten out my thoughts and what exactly i want. aniways applied for sgh already and im still waiting for their call for an interview.. also a/w ntu's reply.. a/w this a/w that.. when can i stop waiting for smthing.. i just dont like the feeling of waiting, the feeling of uncertainty and what you can or cannot do while waiting.. its just irritating..

yst had an argument wit someone.. i was really affected i guess.. i really cant take it animore.. its just im really tired.. im really tired of relationships.. really tired of feelings.. really tired of having to give n take and really tired of just being in a rs.. its just too mentally draining.. the rollercoaster ride its just unbearable..

feelings feelings feelings.. cant i just stop tinking and stop everything that is going inside my brain and heart? i hate this feeling.. what exactly is this?? is this happening cuz i have no one in my life and he happens to be there? or is this real feelings.. or just a plain crush.. i really dont know.. i dont wanna know.. i feel like just running away from my emotions.. my emotions are really going to be the one that kills me in the end..

age.. is age really important? i dont know.. is what im saying all just plain excuses of not wanting to be 2gether or what am i doing? someone told me "whether the shoes are too big or too small you gotta try it yourself, just be sure not to injuried your foot." does that mean i really gotta try on this shoes to see if im his cinderella?? i really dont want to start smthing which is not going to have an ending.. will it have an ending?? i dont know.. maybe im too obsessed with how people may see me.. what ppl will say behind me.. what ppl tink of me.. maybe being wit someone older can really give me that sense of security that i really need.. maybe not.. it not exactly the easiest decision to make.. and what if i start work or go to uni and i find someone else who is more suitable.. then im being unfair to him cuz it will look like im just using him to tide over the mths.. i donno.. im not sure of whats right n whats wrong animore.. i jsut wanna stop tinking about everything..

just someone pause my brain at this moment.. i cant take this animore.. someone pls save me..

2010-02-20T00:14:00.003+08:00

today OT wasnt as boring.. cuz i saw a caesarian case today.. the baby is sooo cute.. n it was a really cool opt.. hahaha.. if everyday OT was so interesting i wldnt fall alsp.. hahaha.. well.. nthing much to blog.. im sick but hope it gets better over the wkends.. i dont wanna replace OT.. arghhh...

Lost in translation

2010-02-18T17:34:00.006+08:00

Lost

Have you ever had that moment when you dont know where to go or what to do? That feeling when you are so afraid of making that one decision. Well, that's what I'm feeling now, right this moment. It's so scary when the past would come knocking on your door, reminding you that all you past deicisions were wrong. There is no one to ask and no one can make that decision for you. They can only give their piece of mind but ultimately the decision lies with you.

Suddenly I was thrown into a situation where i had to make a choice, a choice that determined 2 people's happiness. I chose to let go. Some may think its the wrong decision but this is one story that will not end with, " happily ever after." I mean this decision is not only based my one vote, but i chose to stick with it. I dont see the point in being happy and

creating memories when one day it is these memories that brings you down.

I really dont know where to turn to and where I'm suppose to go. Where are you my orion's belt?

A ray of hope

2010-02-16T23:23:00.003+08:00

A ray of hope

A few days something happened during attachments which made me realise that hope is something which is easy to catch but hard to put forth to. So what exactly is hope? To me hope is when you believe that something good will happen if you wish hard enough.

Everyone has hopes but sometimes they just get dashed due to maybe some negative stuff or that its just impossible. Okay, back to my topic during attachments. There was once i had hope that i could save this man, but it was dashed. Not because we gave up but because there was really nothing that could be done to save this poor man's life. it really made me realise that hope isnt always there when you need. But nontheless it is hope that keeps us going on everyday.

Have anyone heard of the story of pandora's box? Aparrently the story goes like this....

Epimetheus was given the responsibilty of giving positive traits to all animals but when man came along, he had nothing left. So his brother Promethus decided to steal the fire from Zeus. Upon knowing this Zeus was engraged and decided to punish all mankind thus he created Pandora. Along with other gods, Zeus gave Pandora traits like beauty, charm, boldness, curiosity, etc. Thus the name Pandora "all gifts" was given to her. Apart from that, pandora was given a box which she was told never to open. However her curiosity got the best of her and she opened the box. All misfortune was then released into the world, however, pandora quickly tried to close the box which only left hope. The world became bleak at an instant but soon pandora had the chance to open up the box again to release hope. Moral of this story is that no matter how bleak the world has become, hope will still be there to sooth the pain and misery. So no matter what happens, never give up hope..

2010-01-13T20:55:00.003+08:00

Only by ending can the new arise..

Finally its going to be the end of my 3rd year in poly. so much things have happened in these 3 years, lost of friends, made new friends, went on trips and learnt so much about life. i realise that in nursing it requires you to be constantly on your toes. i dont mean literally running about ( thou that is a must too ) but rather you have to constantly upgrade yourself. but after ending this course, i realise that i have lost the passion in nursing. i'm fine with the workload and stuff but majority of the staff are uncompassionate. however, i have made up my mind to get out of the nursing field and pursue psychology. sounds stupid?

suddenly there are a few wierd things that are happening in my life.. someone once told me that there is no such thing as "the one" and i totally believe that. i really do believe that getting married to someone is not only about love. its about how much each side are willing to give and take. sometimes people are wierd, they do things without thinking of the consequences and just do it cuz of a moment of folly. why say things when they cant be taken back and why play around with words when you should know better that they hurt. but it doesnt matter, i have started to see clearly the type of things he does and decides to just leave it as that.

anyways i just got my eyelashes extended and its quite uncomfortable. haha.. but shall just leave it for awhile before removing it. haha

2009-06-27T20:48:00.003+08:00

hols are going to be over soon.. hmm.. holidays burnt... didnt do that much during the hols apparently.. but still.. its alrite.. alrites.. time for update if i remember what i did.. haha..

went swimming last tues and met yiwei after that.. so funny.. while walking saw shawn n fq.. tt was wierd.. accompanied yiwei walk walk, well i tink she acc. me.. haha.. cuz i bought a tee shirt from uniqlo.. after tt went to mos to had this new triple prawn burger.. not bad la.. haha.. went out with azlinda on wednesday.. haha.. we went shopping at far east.. had the halal chinese meal at far east.. n no more you tiao for u.. always cant finish.. hahaha.. bought another shirt n some belts.. haha.. had so much fun that day.. talking n just being crazy like usual.. haha.. went cycling on thurs.. too long never cycle le.. quite enjoy it.. the breeze in my hair and stuff.. really had fun.. went to eat at this zen place.. had tom yam seafood noodle.. when they onli had mushrooms and prawn and fish.. the menu said mussles and sotong.. but i saw nothing.. disappointed.. haha..

was suppose to meet yiwei and gang for drinking session on saturday but din feel so well so din go.. really sorrie yiwei.. :( don be angry at me kk.. i noe u wun cuz u love me too much rite.. ahaha.. aniways promise promise will make up to u de. k??

stayed home on father's day cuz dad not in sg.. but nontheless still had good food at home.. hahah.. so its alrite..

wed met CT group for discussion.. in the end 1/2 of them late.. hahah.. so funny.. and when we were ready to discuss we found out no one had the protocol.. so no choice.. the mr thick skin nicholas.. haha.. went n ask ppl to lend.. finally we found some nice ppl to lend us so we could copy down.. after the discussion met cheryl awhile to get my stuff.. haha.. she went moscow n got me a hard rock cafe shirt.. realli nice.. and also 2 keychains.. really nice too.. those 3d type.. after had lunch with azlinda and you tiao again.. really no more you tiao for this gal.. seriously.. ahaha.. after tt went bugis n walked around n bought a shorts..

went night safari on the 25.. realli realli sooo soo fun.. hahaha.. bats are so cute... and the tiger.. seriously just wanna bring it home sia.. the paw is big enough to slap a person.. haha.. was really hungry and when i saw the pigs i just tot of bbq.. no choice had to eat at night safari.. total ripoff.. very very very expensive.. but no choice.. thx for the treat dear.. night safari is fun.. but i still prefer the zoo.. cuz at nite very hard to see things n its scary.. haha

went to watch transformer yst.. i always tot transformer is boring.. donno y.. haha.. but then quite cool.. some of them la.. like the prime.. hahah. but still don really understand it.. but had fun..

2009-06-13T01:10:00.002+08:00

yessssss.. common test are finally over.. now to relax during the 2 weeks hols.. heaven sia.. hahaha.. today had my NURM paper.. which was alright.. quite ok.. thanks to my mei nu for teaching me... hahaha.. shall update abit ba..

hmm.. lets start with this..

1. there is this really wierdo biker who keeps talking to me.. n he is wierd i swear.. just wierd.. n totally not my type of guy.. donno y.. just like suddenly lost interest in bikers.. still like the idea of sitting in one but not really interested.. maybe he not appealing enough.. wahahha.. jkjk.. and its quite hard to like shake him off.. like get him to go away..

2. totally going to fail my clinical trials.. no idea what shit im doing.. but oh well.. aniways.. promise hz and azlinda say tt if i pass my ct i will treat swensen's giant earthquake.. wahaha.. donno pray for which.. to pay or to pass.. irony..

3. went out today after papers with my babes today.. took the train with hz an her bf.. so funny.. then met azlinda at vivo.. walked around before we settled on earl's swensons.. a new swensons.. and its more ex than normal one cuz i tink of the decoration n stuff.. yea.. she had chocolate frosted malt n the sugar cherry taste like freaking antibiotics.. i had ice cupaccino.. bitter.. after tt walked around before meeting ying n lisa... went to eat banquet then headed off to sentosa.. we took the skytram ( i tink tts its name ) and the luge.. it was fun.. until my luge thingy stalled.. omg la n it was only the start of the hill.. but luckily after a few sucessful push it vroom off. haha.. then after that when i took out the helmet got croackroach.. imagine it being on my head.. wtf la.. grrr.. piss me off sia.. disgusting.. then took the skytram thing when my mei nu n me were screaming at the top of out lungs.. damn fun.. after that we rushed to catch the last show for the log ride.. i swear i felt my brain move an inch.. wahha.. damn vigorous sia.. but fun la.. after tt we headed back to vivo.. but it was a hell of a time.. shd go out more.. damn fun sia.. funni crowd to be with.. love u guys. ~

4. i really really wanna go drinking already la.. grrr.. aniways thanks yi wei for meeting me for our drinking session.. wahaha.. need my booster sia..

5. going wild wild wet this sun with azlinda and her bf.. hahah.. tell him dont gatal ah.. if not i sure scold him.. wahaha..

anyways will post pictures soon.. too lazy now.. haha

2009-05-26T23:59:00.005+08:00

Expectations

everyone has expectations, so what exactly is the true meaning of it?? according to wikepedia, expectations are beliefs based on the future due to uncertainty and this may or may not be realistic. a result that does not match the expecatation you have in mind makes u sad and disappointed while the ones which exceeds gives u a suprise and happiness.

there is a chinese saying that goes, the more you wish for, the greater the disappointment it will bring along.. so what does this tells us?? not to expect anything?? nah.. it only tells us to expect but also to expect for the worse.. there are alot of time when i expect something to go my way or that something magical or sweet might happen but when it doesnt, i will be super disappointed and will create a small fear to expect anything again.. yes i admit it does stop me from expecting stuff in the future but is that the way?? some may say yes and some no.. well what i think is that if u say yes, maybe u are just hiding away from reality, trying to save urself and protect urself from being hurt.. but if u say no, is it a stupid ans? nope.. certainly not.. it just shows how brave u are to be able to face the disappointment and hurt in the face..

then there are times when u wish for smthing but it never comes.. how do u feel?? sad.. then what do u do?? sulk for the whole day?? complain?? eat ice cream?? shop? there are sooo many things u can do and everything works differently for everyone.. sometimes when i have days like that.. i will sulk and sulk for weeks cuz im really upset.. but tt's life

and for ppl who are giving the expectations, dont give false hopes and false dreams cuz when it builds up bigger n higher, the fall gets tougher to break.. so if there is smthing u don think you can promise.. dont even try to promise.. cuz a word from u may do wonders for others.. words can kill at times.. so just rmb.. don promise what u cant do.. and dont do what u cant achieve..

I am not in this world to live up to other people's expectations nor do i feel that the world must live up to mine.

- Fritz Perls -

2009-05-16T22:07:00.002+08:00

arghhh... i seriously need a short getaway.. to get away from all the stress from fyp n schs and everything.. arghh... but then again.. i will need money for tt.. broke sia.. broke.. y cant money just fall from the sky and everyone will be happi.. hahah..

tinking of going to genting for the 2 wks hols.. means must start saving now for tt.. hai.. hopefully can go this time round.. hate having hols and staying in spore.. sooooo damn boring..

aniways i will update soon.. just need to vent tt out.. hahaha